Trying to hold it together, trying hard not to cry. Nothing has happened, it's just I feel very overwhelmed. Tired, deeply tired, to my bones. It's nobody's fault, it's the way things are at the moment but my god, I wish I had my energy back. And who knows when that will be. That makes me feel scared. And, I do have support, absolutely. But I just feel I'm letting the side down at home, always like I owe Will something. He wouldn't ever say, but I know he's annoyed by having to do more meaning work is more stressful. I'm annoyed I admit defeat some days, I can't power through all this like I thought I'd be able to. Especially when working, eventhough it's just 3 days. It all takes it out of me.
I'm waiting at hospital for a consultation, I wonder what they're going to say, going to ask. I don't have anything prepared, but I know I'm only a few days shy of being a month off the due date. We're nearly there. All my brain wants to do is prepare for shocking intensity, and panics. I wish it wouldn't do that, but I'm sure it's because I'm so tired all the time. I'm sure sure when she's with us, all will be well. Things will fall into place as they should, I know it. But it's just the anticipation. And my darling, beautiful Ru, I just love him so much. I don't want him to be serverely effected by it all, he's in such a happy mode at the moment. But I can only do my best to prepare him, I can't control how he's going to react. Just hope for the very best.
It's annoying, I wish I could remain in my own little bubble, being around other pregnant ladies makes me feel nervous. They all seem happy and excited, with their partners or mothers, it just makes me feel...a bit alienated. I wish I had the sort of relationship with my mother that she would be here with me, or happily looking after Ru at home but alas, this is not the case. In an emergency situation she would, but it wouldn't be ideal for either of us
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