16.11.23

It's too early in the morning to decide what I'm going to want to eat later in the day. But we've nothing in to make a lunch so I'm enjoying a luxurious 'meal deal. ' Their price which was once a considered a bargain is now considered luxurious, but these are the times we live in. Of course I'm not trivialising something so many aren't able to afford, it's just an unusual experience.

It is cold today and people are wrapped in their winter coats. I wonder what the day will have in store. It's unusual to have two reasonably okay working days in a row.

I think things are settling back at home, I do still feel shocked and saddened by it. I was talking to myself and a sleeping Ru in the car yesterday how we all make mistakes in this life and how if it were the other way around, I wouldn't want to be made to feel bad about what was said 'in the heat of the moment.' These behaviours of his are learned, his family are the same and I doubt he's ever been challenged so, rightly or wrongly, he reacts the way he reacts. There are surely going to be more times where we're not on the same page, naturally, when you live with someone and are raising a child together. There will always be a certain amount of absorbing that needs to be done.

I shared with mum a bit of what's been going on and half joked how Will talks about marriage and how I wouldn't say yes at this point in time. She asked if I felt I always had one foot out of the door. I said it was because of Ru and if we were to split, I wouldn't want to go through the awful divorce process. I was surprised why, as someone who went through an unpleasant divorce herself, had to ask that question. Maybe one day I will feel more confident in the long term future of our relationship but the immaturity, the self entitlement, the lack of empathy doesn't make me feel great. But, it's only be a couple of days. And I'm tired, and the weekend is going to be full on socially, too. This is life now, I'm always going to feel tired. But I've got to enjoy this time as much as I can, I know it. And so often I'm looking forward to being further in the future, away from this 'bit' but these are the days that will feel as though they went in a blink of an eye.

Ru isn't far off walking. He'll no longer be a baby but a toddler!