13.11.23

Out of data, the one time I'm actually grateful for it. I don't need any outside pressure to be anything today. I feel well and truly gutted. Like each and every one of my internal organs have been ripped from my insides, pumbled and thrown back in again. I feel so hurt. We had a huge argument last night over something so trivial, almost laughable. He was drunk, so there was no stopping the dramatic, self entitled, woe is me bullshit spew from his pathetic mouth. Staring at me, expected affection and warmth when all I wanted to do, was run a fucking mile. I felt alarm bells ring and ring and ring. But there's nowhere I can go. Yesterday his ego was so wounded by me driving away 'without a cuddle' he was on a war path to fuck me over. And he did, dropping bombs of 'I don't feel loved' and 'I opened up to you and you didn't care' all COMPLETE bullshit. He's overworked and Reuben has been ill, so he hasn't properly slept. That's why he feels the way he does, but no, he won't see that. No, his world is ending. Fuck what I think or feel. Fuck my efforts to raise our beautiful boy, who's an angel, and fuck him returning home to a clean and tidy house, laundry done and food on the table. Despite finding him so irritating, I'll always ask him how he's feeling (he'll brush me off,) I'll always be affectionate even when I don't want to be close to him. It felt so unfair. And, as usual, when I can't get a word in and after constant barraging of hurtful speach, I just imploded into hysterical tears. It was almost an out of body experience. All I could think about was our wonderful son, and how I just wanted to run upstairs, grab him and run as far away as possible. Once he realised what he'd done, he apologised and said he didn't mean to point the finger at me for his problems and that he 'isn't very well at the moment.' He went on to say that he's never felt it before. I don't know if it's an excuse for how he behaved but I'm not surprised that's how he interprets guilt. He's never done anything wrong in his life, never been told no, so of course everything's crashing down for him. He did seem genuinely remorseful but he can't take it back. This morning he apologised but said he was glad what was said was out in the open. I'm just on a 'pretend everything is fine, nod along' train track right now because I can't take another beating. I did suggested couples therapy which he was open to, so that's a positive in the very least. We can't argue like that over such tiny, unimportant shit. I won't take it. I don't think he realises how seriously it effects me. He has no regard for the consequences of his actions, and now I have to play along like happy families because he's played the mental health card. Well done, you fucking prick. This is no way to feel about the father of my child but he's really pushing me. And I resent him for it. I can't escape and he knows it. 'I'm so committed to you, I love you, I'm not going anywhere, I will be with you forever' - he threatens. He's trying to reassure me but he's really putting the fear of god into me. I've got to try and figure out a plan. Therapy first, and if things don't improve, we will simply separate. Truly.