17.10.23

I've never needed to empty my mind more but my journal remains baron. It's like I know it's there and I'll get to it later but 'later' never comes.

I said this morning how I feel as though I'll likely never feel as though I'll get the new morning routine 'down,' that it'll always feel rushed and unsatisfactory - that's just going to be my new way of life. I do not care for that. As someone who prides themselves on great time keeping, organisation and well turned out appearance, it goes against everything that feels natural to me. I know I've just got to suck it up, because the alternative is to get up at 5am and I just don't have sleep to surrender.

Reuben is the joy and light of my life. All this upheaval and stress is absolutely worth it, he had his first birthday last Friday and he's really becoming 'himself' with every day that goes by. I found myself musing as I wrote in his card:

My darling Reuben,

How wonderful life is now you're in the world. And for a whole year today, I have never felt so lucky.

You entered the world a few days earlier than planned, you ask papa, I was convinced that you'd be with us on Halloween! But I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Everyone told me that the months would fly by and they weren't wrong, I can hardly believe we're here. I think it's because we're always looking forward to 'the next big thing' and you're just such a joy with every moment, time has just whizzed by. As soon as you've been able to smile, you've given them so easily and generously to anyone you come into contact with. You chuckle and giggle so readily - something I hope will never change. You're so inquisitive and curious, always searching, reaching, playing, reading, talking! Oh the beautiful noises you make as you go, chat chat chat. Although words haven't yet formed, you're telling us absolutely everything you can! So proudly, too. And you should be proud, you're such a marvellous human and I hope as you read this, you're still proud of the person you are. And still as chatty!

I've never known love like it. You've made me a mother, something I've wanted to be as soon as I knew what a parent was. I will love you for every single day that I'm on this planet, and beyond that. You will always have my unwavering support, in everything you want to do and I'll always, always be here for you. Come rain or come shine, at day or at night. How special it is, to be your parent and watch you grow into such a beautiful person. I cannot wait to see what this next year has in store for us all. 

I mean every word, but I can hardly believe I've a one year old son.

I do hope that things will fall into place soon, I'm tired of feeling so burnt out all the time. I'm grateful that me and Will seem to be in a good place, as friends, parents and partners. It's not easy though and it's constant effort every day. Sometimes I don't have that effort to stretch but we're making the best of it.

Work is work. It is frustrating and it's not what I want to be doing for long. But it's something and I'm grateful to have a place I can go to where I can have a break away from mummy duties. Reuben seems to be really enjoying nursery and they seem to enjoy having him there too, which is great. He is ill a lot, which is a shame but to be expected I suppose.

I type this on the bus as I venture in for another day. I hope it'll go smoothly.