I'm finding it a bit tough to keep my emotional wellbeing in check these days. I'm exhausted on a level I never knew possible, it functioning pretty well all things considering. I make it so hard for myself. I wish I could have a bit more help as I navigate the day but all my energy goes into trying to look like everything's in hand, so nobody approaches. It's my own fault. But I feel like a failure asking for assistance. I think it's the way people make me feel when they do help, like Will, I always feel like any time he does anything I owe him something. Like Reuben is all mine and parenting is my responsibility. I find it difficult to share it because I find Wills ways very frustrating. I'm hoping it's my hormones thats playing a massive part in my feeling this way. Although, he does irritate my to my wits ends. Especially while he's got social things on his agenda. He just turns into such a prick. I can't put it into words really, just super pedantic, matter of fact, entitled, privileged. And I don't like it at all, I don't want to be around him let alone intimate. But I can't say anything because he'd turn into a puppy-eyed politician wanting to have an end of the world style debate. And I don't have the energy or fucks to give for that bullshit thank you very much. Very sweary, very annoyed.
I feel very lonely. I completely adore my son, he is without a doubt the sunshine in my life. And every day that goes by he's becoming more himself, a beautiful character full of smiles, laughter and curiosity. It's all play and cuddles, he pulls my head close to his and he licks at my nose or cheek and I just want to squish him into my body so he'll be safe forever. This sweet phase I just wish I could bottle and keep for the rest of my days, he's a joy. But I do feel out of touch with my relationship, I don't see my own family as much as I'd like and I miss friends. I feel so far from the person I used to be. I find myself thinking a lot about people I had true connections with, like Joe. I dream about him often, and when I wake I feel sad. I wish I could reach out to him but what good would it do? My heart sings for him, what we used to be. It's silly because it was so long ago but our love feels as fresh as if it were yesterday.
I take comfort in knowing that he'll be my true love, for the rest of my life. We had what we had and it was so special, I'll never forget it. We'll be together again one day, maybe in another lifetime. Is it sad that I find that thought a happy one?
Wills best friend is staying over for a couple of days tomorrow, thankfully without his wife who I find intimidating and challenging. Apparently lots of people do but as usual, I'm made to feel as though I'm the only one. They live in the US but I'm sure it won't be long til they're back here and I'll be foreced to spend more time with them, poor Ru too. Sigh. Hopefully it'll be okay, I am apprehensive because I know it'll be Will striding about showing off the whole time.
I don't mean to slag him off, I don't think he means to do it. But he Wouldn't be told otherwise and it makes me doubt the future with him. I've thought a lot about how I would leave. I wouldn't do anything rash, it's just a fantasy.
I hope my hormones balance out again soon.
I look forward to getting my body back. Though I do love feeding Ru and feel proud of far we've come, it's been a bittersweet journey. I'm going to try and make it a year.
Just a bucket of unloaded thoughts. I'm going to try and keep it up.
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