Garbled blurgh shit fuck urgh stiff neck, tense arms, sickness in my stomach. Tingle in my fingers, tears welling in my eyes. I feel so angry at the pathetic person I've decided to embark on this life with. What have I done. Right now I want to pack up my shit in the back of the car, boy under my arm and get the fuck out of here. I could do it alone. I hate having to be the one to have these 'discussions' where with his blinkless stare he looks at me, mouth agape in an disbelief that I'm not wanting to go to his friends 30th where they're all going to do drugs and get fucked. Of course, the wounded ego, the 'this is who I am' bullshit comes out and he tries to wangle this into being about my insecurities and anxieties and how actually, 'it would be good to go' fuck off.
I don't our child to be around people taking drugs. End of. Will wonders when we'll ever meet 'the people I love' in that case. Why doesn't he see that it's pretty lame, pretty sad, to be doing drugs with children present. Babies!? He won't see sence because he knows that anyone else would side with me. He's a complete fool for believing that his life would remain the same after having a baby. He fucking jokes about having 5 with me, get real, idiot. I'm happy to bring children into the world but I want to do so with someone who can refrain from getting shitfaced, or force me to change my mind and go against what I believe. 'I like to experiment with drugs, i'm not ashamed of that. I've not tried to hide that' and then he tries to tell me his parents know about it - do they fuck! Mummies little boy would never do something so reckless! Imagine. He's kidding himself. This might be the end of the road for us. Really, this will keep being a thing I'm sure. I can't keep avoiding it, and he loves getting wasted with his mates so, there's a sticking point. I can't tell anyone about this because they'll think I'm stupid for ever getting involved in the first place, let alone stay with him. Oh dear.
No comments:
Post a Comment