20.03.23

I sit in the bath as it fills, hot tap running, candles burning, relieved another day is nearly done. I feel sad. But I'm sure it's just exhaustion because I know that my soul is full of joy in ways I never thought possible. But I tend to not want to write when I'm experiencing those moments, which is a shame because it's important to acknowledge them as it's easy to forget when in the throws of another, monotonous day with a distracted, fussy 5 month old. But here we are. It's felt like a bit of a wasted day, when I'd hoped it would be something different. I foolishly believed Will when he said we'd celebrate Mother's Day today instead of Sunday but once again, it's a way of him trying to keep me sweet and buy time because he knows it isn't going to happen because of the baby but he's said it, so that's as good as actually doing something. Sigh. Really, I don't much care about it as a day, I know full well I won't be able to enjoy any 'big days' for another couple of years at least because of my main priority. But I resent that the reason why was because he had a boys night and had a 2 day hang over. Its pathetic really. I envy how he can just leave and go and do what he wants. And he says that I can have a night away but he doesn't understand that it won't be the same as it is for him, and it won't magically make everything right or even. Plus I don't really trust he'll do a very good job if I did go away for a night. The guilt of leaving the boy is enough to make me stay. 

Sigh. Things are tough at the moment. Still feel very far away from the person I used to be and the life I used to have. I love how our boy is always learning and doing new things every day. But my world has shrunk, and I've lost all desire for my partner. In many ways we're closer than ever but I do feel a constant pressure to be intimate when I absolutely don't want to be touched, and I reckon he resents me for not giving him more of what he wants. He doesn't do anything to help of course, but then his body hasn't changed at all whereas mine has significantly. We'll get back there one day but it's tough and I think about it more than I should. Some days I feel as though we're such a strong team but others I feel as though I'm on my own. 

I do fantasise about leaving the world. I never would do something like that, especially with a dependent now but my god, the thought of just not having to do any of this anymore feels very appealing.

I'm sure things will get better. But the lack of sleep is chipping away at our spirits and time marches on and on. I want to be savouring every moment I have with my baby because I know he's only the age he is, once and 5 months have gone by quickly. It's still taking me a long to acclimatise to this being my new life. I still talk about 'old me' but I know she's gone. We're in a new era now. And it's beautiful and a privilege. But it's also the hardest, most testing time of my life. Thank god for dad. Truly, he's been there for me throughout and I am so grateful for him. Lots of friends and colleagues have stepped up too and I've met new people and strengthened old bonds which has been wonderful. But he really knows me and he knows exactly what to say to help in the moment where I may be fretting or in a bad way.

The smiles and giggles make it all worth it. And I can't wait to see what sort of person he grows up to be. That's what's keeping me afloat. That and baths. And the idea of a full night's rest again.