20.12.22

Writing with my baby asleep on my chest, wondering what the night ahead will have in store for us as Will is out meeting up with old friends. I'm happy he's out because I know he's missed them a lot. But I do feel daunted by the idea of it just being me and Ru. I've done it before, for a long stint of 4 nights solo, but it must be my lack of confidence. The fact I haven't for a while, mixed with him going through what I believe is a 'leap' (something I never thought I'd take seriously,) has me worrying. But I know it's pointless, I've no control over what he'll do. I only have control over how I'll react. I'm just taking it all hour by hour at the moment. Because even if I'm up all night, at least I have tomorrow when Will returns and I can have some peace/space/sleep.

It's Ru's first Christmas, and the first in our house. It's exciting but as always there's so many social things happening before and after, it'll likely fly by. But that's okay, because hopefully we're moving forward into new territory where Ru is becoming more and more himself and less of a newborn. Although its amazing how far away those days feel. I can already feel the speeding up of time.

I mostly feel okay although I do still have low moments. I think because there's always so much to do, I don't have time to really process how I'm feeling. I do worry it'll all come out later down the line but then again maybe I have worked through it in my own way. Sometimes I feel myself missing my old self. My old body, my old life. Sometimes I find myself glowing in the wonderful moments being a parent brings, like his beaming smile. Sometimes I feel so close to Will, closer than I have with anyone. Other times, I feel so lonely. We're doing the best we can, that's all we can do. It's hard not to try and cling to patterns and order when things are chaotic and have their own agenda. Trying to have some sort of control is hard. I feel I've lost a lot of my identity. Things I used to enjoy doing, I've no time to do now. I miss socialising with other people. I miss getting dressed up and going outside on a whim without having to worry about the baby. I miss feeling strong.

But hopefully, in time, I will get some of my old self back. I know I'm still in there somewhere.