02.09.2022

I don't want baby to feel when I am sad. When I look down and see him wriggling under the surface, I feel him close to me. I only want him to feel the laughter, the happiness, the love that I've truly been feeling over the last couple of days. I saw mum, I saw Robs, dad also came over to stay and we played cards all night. It was so wonderful.

But today, I just want to be someone else. I want to get away from all of this, I feel trapped and alienated from Will. Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I'm doing.

He's as happy as a clam because we got a new car today (nothing fancy at all, but something more suitable for what we need,) and we did this with my dad's help. I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful for this and almost don't feel worthy of such generousity. But Will has taken it for his own and has accepted it willingly but with little thanks. Like he feels he deserves it. When he's never owned one himself before, only borrowed from his own generous family members.

I love driving and it's a huge source of Independence but I feel he's taking it away. I realise that I won't be able to go far anyway when baby is here, but it's not the point. And I'm finding it hard to share with him how I feel because all he'll do is stare at me with his laser vision and probably shrug and disagree with me and argue like a politician. And I can't be arsed with that right now. I don't want to look at his smug face. And he knows something is wrong but there's no way he'll think to bring it up or ask, because that would be a sign of weakness. Plus he's used to me coming to him so he doesn't have to try so he's probably just waiting for me to give it all to him on a plate like I always do. I'm such an idiot. And does he really want to acknowledge what's wrong? Of course not. So this will be my life from this point on. Hopefully I'll be so distracted with being a mother I won't notice for a few years anyway. I just feel hollow. Like I know none of it matters but at the same time, these are the things that plant the seeds of doubt.

I'm tired and emotionally exhausted.