From Monday I will officially be on Maternity leave. It doesn't feel at all real, probably because it's the weekend and I wouldn't usually do work things today, and as the country is in mourning for The Queen, Monday is a bank holiday for everyone so that will be a bit surreal too.
I don't know to feel really, one moment i'm excited, the next I'm wondering what the future will hold. What job will I be going to in a years time, if I even go back there? For so long I couldn't wait to leave but on my last day, my colleagues were so sweet and thoughtful. I got lots of lovely gifts for the baby which I was not expecting at all, and I felt a bit of sadness knowing it would be a while until I saw them again - if I even do. We'll just have to see how things play out I suppose.
This morning I deleted my Facebook account. It's something I've been wanting to do for many years but last night I was thinking about it more whilst feeling nostalgic and decided the time had come. I have distanced myself from it for a long time and mentally felt so much better. It was still a comforting thought to know it was still there to return to if I wanted it, but I haven't really. The times I have popped back on, I felt the same way I did all those years ago. I feel it's just a way for me to hold onto the past and so much has happened since then, it isn't really relevant anymore. But I did decide to download the pictures as I thought perhaps one day I might want to look through them. Pictures are strange for me at the moment, I haven't been taking many of myself when I feel I should because it's just a significant time of my life. But seeing my body change is difficult for me in many ways. I find it amazing for sure but, I don't feel like it's really my body anymore. Certainly not the one i'm used to anyway. But i'm sure i'll feel differently when bubs arrives and I can start to heal. It just feels as though I'm so far away from the person I once was. It's annoying because I know that as I look back at previous times of my life through the rosy glow of the camera lens, I wasn't very happy and all I wanted was to be settled with someone and plant some roots to start a family. But right now, I don't see that person. I feel envious, I see my independent self with my whole life ahead of them surrounded by friends and ex-partners, just doing my own thing.
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Naturally, I dreamed of the past. Familiar faces and their families came to visit me and I woke up curious as to what they're doing now. After a bit of research, they're actually incredibly successful in their field and I'm very pleased for them. They deserve it. I'd love to reach out but, what for? We had what had and it was beautiful, it always will be. They will always be with me, even if my own life has moved on and we're in different places. And that's how it should be. The whole reason behind deleting one of my main social media accounts was to try and let go of the past as I enter into a new phase of my life. I'm still the same person in many ways, but I also want to start afresh.
I hope I'll have some time to do a bit of drawing soon, do some creative things I haven't done for a very long time. I'm a little nervous in case it's takes me a while to pick it back up again, but hopefully it'll reignite that flame within.
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