05.08.22

I wanted to type and vent to my hearts content. But now I'm here, the day finally done, I wonder what the point is. The weekend starts here and I can forget all about it for two whole, delicious days. And I want to worry and fret; why aren't I progressing, why aren't my managers communicating with me? What if I'm not good at the job at all? But then... Fuck it. I've got a little over a month left until I leave to go on maternity leave. I do intend on going back and I want to be responsible about it. But, so what if I'm not suited to it? I honestly don't think I am. I don't suit a call centre environment. The training has been pretty haphazard. I knew pretty early on that it wasn't for me. But it was better than the Jewellers.

And I know there's an inbetween, it's not this or that. But, I really need to find something else. Will wants me to do my art but I very much doubt I'll ever make any real money from it.

No, I'm just going to keep going with this gig, however uncomfortable it feels. And why chase them when they clearly just want me to keep ticking over as I am? I've got a plan. I've got to stick to the plan, a lot can happen in a month. Then I can see how I feel after a bit of a break and maybe some time doing some art before baby comes, which is something I haven't done for months and months. I miss it. But it's been so long I worry if I've lost it, what if I pick up the pen but don't know what to do with it? I've lost my confidence. And my direction. I do worry about what I should be doing for work. But, I'm in a job for now and that's something. And I've got to live in the now. I'm just doing my best, that's all you can do.