It's been a while since i've opened my laptop lid to purposefully type, and I can tell as my fingertips are not at all used to the keyboard layout which is throwing me off my flow a bit. But never mind, I'm sure I'll adjust.
It's a warm evening and it's set to be the highest temperature ever recorded in the UK tomorrow and the following day. I'm happy to say that I'm home alone while Will enjoys South France with his friends. It took some doing, coming to the decision that it wasn't a good idea to accompany him as I was fighting the usual desire to people please. But I knew that it was potentially dangerous and it didn't feel like a very responsible thing to do. I frustratingly shed a lot of tears in the process to which Will didn't seem to understand. I knew he must have done on some level as he was acting so defensively. I even had moments where I was wondering what I was doing with this person, how could we be having a baby together when he's being so unsympathetic to the situation (which has been issued 'danger to life' for goodness sake,) but I think it just boiled down to the fact that he didn't want to miss out on something fun with his friends, and that I was perhaps going to make him feel guilty about going. When he came around to seeing that I actually wanted him to go, he eased up a bit. And now that he's there, he thinks it's for the best that I stayed home. It did upset me, but i'm pleased that I put my foot down because otherwise I would be shut up inside an elaborate but foreign abode, overheating and uncomfortable, far away from my familiar surroundings while everyone around me parties loudly whilst getting completely wrecked. It really isn't my idea of fun at all. I'm actually rather glad that the weather is forecast as it is, although i'm concerned about those who will be affected by the extreme heat, it was a fair excuse to stay home and I was grateful for a ticket out. I feel rather glad that I'll have the responsibility of a child to help me get out of many things that I don't want to do. I won't feel the pressure to drink so much, or stay up til the small hours on drugs to fit in, no i'll want to be on my best form for my dependant. I know Will wants to do this to, but he can't help himself and I doubt that'll change. Sometimes I feel envious of his devil may care attitude to such indulgences and then other times, I almost pity them. It just seems sad that, eventhough these are all very dear friends they all seem to need to get smashed every time they do anything together, day or night. I don't want to sound like a prude or like i'm better than them, but my vision of friendship is one that withstands many scenarios, including the uneventful, the boring and the daft, without the need of anything other than just each other's voices to chat, laugh, express and share. But, who am I to say that. I realise life really is too short to worry too much about what other people think. Perhaps it's the hormones coursing through my veins recently but i've been seeing it more than ever before and it's so nice and freeing. I wonder if maybe i'm trying to start a mental shift as I raise another, I don't want them to feel this way and see it in me and feel that's how they need to behave too. It is exciting to think about the person they might become. It is also surreal too and I don't think about it too much because there's so much that needs to happen before then. Feeling him move about lots throughout the day is lovely and reassuring though. It's nice to always have company.
In a couple of days it'll be three months until my due date. I'm not expecting it to be the day that they arrive, it'll likely be a couple of weeks later but still, it's rather unbelievable to think. It's all gone so quickly and I know it isn't going to slow down any time soon. Will is excited which is great and so is his family and mine. I hope we'll be able to enjoy some time together before they come, it all feel as though it's been such a whirlwind of activity but we'll have to see.
It's just nice to have a bit of time by myself to relax for a bit. I'm sure i'll miss Will a lot by the end of the week, I hope he's having a good time but looks forward to returning home too. I trust him, which is really nice and doesn't feel like something i've experienced before. If I think to my previous relationships I'd be constantly worrying and fretting, working myself into a real state. I hope he doesn't let me down of course.
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