31.05.22

It feels like time is just flying on by. Everything feels like it's a rush. I'm reality, we're just excited to get things done in the house and I'm either doing stuff to get it all sorted or working. I can't believe that tomorrow I'll be 20 weeks.

It's amazing how it feels only a few days ago I found out and now I'm not far off being halfway through. Amongst everything going on I have had moments to reflect. But not as much as I would like, or thought I would.

I think something that's surprised me is how long it's taken me to get comfortable with my changing body. Some times of day I love it and I'm amazed by it, other moments I feel a bit disconnected from it. I look at myself in the mirror and it doesn't feel like it belongs to me. I'm growing a fairly large chest, my legs are starting to run together at the tops and I'm aware that a unmistakable bump is beginning to form. And how lucky I am, to have these changes going on. It truly is a gift. It's something I've always wanted but now it's here, I'm embarrassed to admit how I'm missing my old body. I worry I might never get it back. I know that's daft, I'm sure it's hormones playing a part.

Something that does help though is that I think I'm starting to feel movements. Gentle little tumbles and flutters in parts of my belly I've not felt before. It makes it feel real and for that I am so grateful. I've told work and they were really great about it. Will is becoming increasingly excited as the days go by and his family have been so generous, lending us furniture for the nursery and offering their services.

I think that after the scan next week, I'll feel a bit more connected. I suppose there's been a part of me that's worried something bad might happen. And it might still, of course. But I think all these worries have stopped me from getting too excited. Plus learning a new job has been distracting, when I get home we eat and I soon just want to sleep. And then a new day begins. But overall, I feel very happy. Although I get the occasional day where I feel a pang of sadness knowing that our lives will never be the same again, I'm mostly very much looking forward to it. Its something we both want, as well as our friends and family which is wonderful.

I will surely check in again soon. I want to make a habit of typing here once a week at least, because I know this will soon be over and I'll miss these times.