26.02.22

So today I am 6 weeks pregnant. I can hardly believe it.

It's been a rather strange few weeks and none of it has really sunk in. I've been so occupied fretting about the job which isn't really going very well. I don't like it and I want to leave, everyone else wants me to as well but now that we're expecting, it feels an incredibly irresponsible thing to do. 

When i realised I was late and took a test, I honestly didn't think that it would be positive, despite me and Will agreeing that we'd start to be a little less careful in terms of protection. I felt so nervous when I told him but he's been so happy with the news. He's been nothing short of supportive and excited and I feel so lucky. It's felt so amazing to know without the awful sting of 'I've probably can't go through with this' as a result of the other person's reaction. I feel incredibly lucky and grateful. Me and Will feel closer than we've ever been, he's delighted. Dad knows too, it wasn't an ideal situation really, I ordered some pregnancy books to his work and he opened them by mistake. I knew it was a risk but really I'm pleased he knows because I can just be myself at home, plus if anything happens, I'll want to tell him. I've never really kept secrets from him before. He was kind and understanding but as it's still all very early, he saved his congratulations and such but he gave me lots of hugs and kisses which was a relief really, as I was scared he'd be very concerned. I think he is deep down but isn't showing it just yet. He still thinks I should leave my new job. The people I work with most are good people for the most part, it's just a toxic environment to be in and I'm exhausted. I just don't know if it's worth hanging on.

I'm sat in a coffee shop dreading the return to boring, dreary environment amongst the cold, grey walls of watches and the sorts of people who want to buy them. It's chipping away at my soul. Occasionally I come over feeling a bit queasy and I do feel tired in the evenings but generally I've been okay. I just hope they want to stay, because we want them to very much.

There still isn't any movement on the house, disappointingly. We're just doing what we can to keep positive, it's all we can do. I'm hoping we'll see Robs on Sunday, maybe I'll tell her if it seems appropriate. Sigh. Another 4 hours to go then I'm driving to Wills.