11.02.22

I feel so blue. I decided to buy myself a lunch in a nearby cafe with a decaf to help cheer myself up a bit. Deflated and sad. The hormones can't be helping the shitty situation I find myself in (when do they ever?) still no closer, still no closer to finding direction, still feel no happier in my job. The people there are nice enough but it's not how I thought it would be. I don't want to be harsh but they're not really the group of people I'd choose to surround myself with. But that is of course incredibly rare when working. Management is pretty poor, there's a lot of bitchyness, I'm constantly being bossed around, I can't be trusted to be left to my own devices and if I am given something a bit more 'special' to do, like help serve a VIP, I feel like I'm there because I'm female and help cut the masculine edge. I don't know what i should be doing but this doesn't feel right. Will says I can quit when I like but I feel like doing so wouldn't start things off the right way. I've consistently worked my entire adult life, I don't want him to think that I'm going to try and take him for a ride. I miss home, I miss my old life, I miss the person I used to be.

I got a tattoo on Monday. I feel it was an impulsive decision but actually I've had it on my mind for a good two or three years. When the appointment came around I thought 'why the fuck not?' I've been a long time admirer of the artist and it was an interesting experience. It was 4 hours of discomfort to say the least but I do like it. I don't ever want mum to know as she'll be so disappointed but then I'm old enough to know what I'm doing (supposedly.) it brought up a lot of emotions though. I lay there silently wincing and found myself apologising to my body over and over again. It wasn't what I needed after a full on week where I was already feeling emotional but when I saw Will in the car I just burst into tears. I guess I must be at the end of my tether. Or depressed. I can't seem to hide it anymore. A cheese toasty and slab of millionaires shortbread has helped me feel a bit more human. I'm battling the constant weigh up of feeling like I deserve to eat crap but also believing i should starve myself and shrink away. I'll always feel guilty after eating something like this, because it's so decadent for a Friday work lunchtime. I wish I  could stay here all day and never return to that place. I don't even have a contract. I keep learning these silly rules. I can't take a day off without it needing to be an entire week, of which I only have 4 and November, December and half terms are all off limits. It could be a lot worse I know. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I was just expecting things to be different but sadly I feel mislead. Who's fault was that? Mine probably, for getting too excited and leaving somewhere I was also unhappy with. Hopefully I'll be able to save a bit while I'm here, there's got to be some positive to take away here. I'm spending more time with my nephew which is also nice while getting to know Wills sister and her husband. They really are so very accommodating letting me stay. I'll be back to dad's next week though, to give them a break. I also miss dad too.

Sigh. Maybe one day things will.... Not be this. I look forward to that.