05.02.22

Hello mister sun. What beautiful rays you share with us all this cold Saturday morning. Dad is doing all that he can to alleviate the unpleasantness of the commute so he drove me to the station, which was very kind of him (as always.) It means that I can get up slightly later and I get to enjoy some sunshine instead of darkness, it does make a difference to my mood.

I don't know if it's tiredness, stress or the job that's making me want to quit. I definitely feel as though its a big step backwards and the fact that this holiday is causing such an enormous stress just makes me wonder how many more situations will be like this. But then perhaps I'm just spoiled and I need to adjust to the inevitable retail drawbacks. I knew it was going to be like this. But it dawned on me that I won't have any rest bite from this place until July (well, if my manager signs it off which he likely won't,) and that thought fills me with dread. Sure I get Sunday and Monday off which is a blessing, having 2 days off in a row. But I'm always driving somewhere or doing something full on so I don't get any real rest. On Monday I'm supposed to be getting a tattoo but sigh, I don't know whether to cancel it so I can have a day to properly relax. I don't know. Sunday Will is very likely to be feeling poorly all day because tonight is a heavy night with his friends. I don't know if I'm looking forward to seeing him or not really, he's often blunter and crankier when like this, understandably of course.

But I'm also too tired to care at this point.

Why the heck am I doing? I don't feel any closer to knowing. I've turned everything upside down for what? I'm sick of this woe is me mood I'm always sporting. I just want to...not be here.