03.02.22

I feel very anxious this morning. I've a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel as though something bad is going to happen.

I think it's been triggered by the news that Wills ex isn't going on this holiday after all, to his delight. Now he's all guns blazing for this holiday and getting very excited about it. So now I've got to request it off work and I'm half expecting my manager to be difficult about it, because most managers are when it comes to time off. Ive said to Will if I'm not, I'll just quit. Which I'm saying more for me than the pesky holiday, moreso something to cling on to for hope that I do have a way out if I want. I suppose I can leave at any point though of course that would be incredibly irresponsible of me. Sigh. I don't know. Being a part of a 7 day bender just doesn't fill me with any joy right now. We're still not in the house, I'm still not sure about the job, there's just too many variables. I suppose I don't have to go crazy if this trip does happen, just because everyone else is doesn't mean I need to join in. Sigh. I also don't really feel much comforted by the fact that the ex isn't coming because this situation will surely happen again and he's again managed to avoid having the conversation with her and his friends. No wonder he's so jovial about it all.

Maybe I'll get a decaf coffee at the station while I wait for the next train to take me to work. When I'm on the train I wish I could just stay on it all day and not have to do the day ahead.

I know my time here on this planet is limited, so I've got to try and make the most of every single day that I have. I don't want to spend it worrying about things and feeling anxious. It can all feel very hard sometimes.