31.01.22

He can be such a spoiled, selfish little brat sometimes. Honestly, it's like he's never been told no before and is so used to getting his own way. All paired with this massive 'fear of missing out' syndrome was cause for an 11pm meltdown last night. His friends were trying to organise a holiday and his ex got invited, which meant he couldn't go, so stress ensued. I thought it was a pathetic display. I did my best to advise as best as I could - he should tell his friends how uncomfortable he felt with this but ultimately it would need a conversion with his ex to discuss boundaries etc. All stuff that should have been done before of course. But he avoided it because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He has some growing up to do. I said that if he doesn't want to feel this way again, he'll need to have a couple of uncomfortable conversations. It's life for Christ sake. It left me feeling doubtful about... Everything. I don't want to add to the drama but it pisses me off how he's still letting her have this control. Which in turn makes me fear unfinished business is afoot. Which takes me back to the awful way I felt during me and Andy's relationship. It just brings it all back. And yet I can't say anything because it's all in his past. I just tried to be wise and as sympathetic as possible. I'm half glad because I don't want to spend a week of my precious holiday allowance pissing away drugs and alcohol. I'm sure it would be fun at times but, I don't know, the whole idea just fills me with anxiety. But so does this situation too. I get frustrated with how cut and dry he is about 'I can't tell anyone who they can and can't be friends with' yet he won't see the middle ground, he only jumps to one extreme or another. Really he needs to grow a pair. But then again this doesn't come up all that often and to be honest, I don't really give a shit. Life is too short for teenage drama like this. It didn't make me feel great, no, but at least he told me about it. And this morning he was all wounded puppy I love yous and I want holidays with you yada yada so, whatever. Me getting all high and mighty about it won't help anything so, I'll let him do what he thinks is best.

I've been in London today. Because of my current lack of living situation I don't have a fixed address which means I don't have a doctor. So I had to make a private appointment for a smear test as the one I had last year came back abnormal. I was sad about it at the time but I'd also gone through a massive load of stress and upset so I kinda put it down to that. I hope this time will be okay. I do worry that it might cause a miscarriage (which can happen due to how invasive it is,) but then I don't even know if I'm pregnant. Me and Will aren't trying as such, but we've both said that if it happens then it'll all be okay. We are planning to once we're in the house however. Which I find a lot of comfort in indeed. Though have now flaming idea when the move in date will be. And of course, I do want to be deep down. But I know the right thing will happen. Plus, this has to take priority. Its tempting to put it off but I don't want to have an illness that takes away the privilege of having babies in the future or worse, my life. And nobody else can sort this out for me, it's down to me to think about my health first and foremost. So, an expensive inconvenience but hopefully life saving.

It's been nice to be back on the tube and walking familiar streets. I do miss it all and I did feel a bit sad realising that this isn't my life anymore and I have no idea when anything will return to any sort of normality for me. I hope that it will eventually and I'm doing my best to hold on but I don't know. I miss the life I had. I didn't picture waking up at 5am for a job that doesn't require all the energy to be with a man who still can't communicate with his friends and still has some hang up with his ex...do I still have hang ups with mine? I don't know. Nobody is perfect.

I'm waiting on the train to go back and pick up my car, then drive back to dad's. I walked past an awful sight of what a presume to be a lady screaming being restrained and sedated by medical staff. It just brings it all to the forefront - things could be so much worse. I do hope that she will be okay.

Sigh. Decided I'll just drive home as I don't fancy hanging around Will when he's all sulky yet expects me to be absolutely fine and uneffected. This is all stuff we'll have to work through when we live together but that's for another day.