25.01.22

It has felt like an eternity since I last typed an entry here. I wonder if I'll be able to remember how to do it. I've dearly missed it, like I dearly miss so, so many things that I used to do. It has been a tough few weeks trying to get settled into a new job while not having a true place to call home. I feel tired and drained. There have been many moments where I've contemplated why I'm putting myself through all of this, the answers seem uncertain and unclear. The tiredness gets to a certain level and it clouds my judgement. 5am I wake up to spend a day in a shop to get home at 7.15pm to basically eat, wash and sleep. It feels as though I have taken an enormous step backwards. I feel as though I've lost a great deal of my independence and identity. I feel I've left a glamorous, well paid job in a highly regarded part of London for...something new and very different. The people are nice there though, it's an interesting mix of personalities but I feel they have all shown far more care for my wellbeing than anyone ever did in my last position. It's retail so it isn't ideal, holidays are stingey and it's pretty much the whole day on my feet. I don't really know what I'm doing and I feel awkward and stupid. I miss listening to music, walking and being in tough with the world. It's been great being at dad's and spending time together, I feel guilty that we don't spent enough though as I'm desperately trying to get an early night. I feel guilty that I'm not at mum's, who I know would want my company and her place is more convenient to get to the station. I feel guilty for my new employers that I'm not yet sure how I feel about it all. I feel a lot of guilt a lot of the time.

The house has stalled. Everyone is wanting to go ahead still so I guess that's something, but we're no closer to having a moving date. At this point, I'm too tired to care. I do believe that it's our house and one day we'll be in it, but now, I feel right stitched up really. I took a big leap which is yet to pay off. I'm free-falling, yet to touchdown on the safety of land. Maybe I won't get to that piece of land at all, maybe this is it now. I'll constantly feel as though I'm in a state of flux. For what? That's what I keep asking myself 'All this, for what?' the early, early starts, the lack of pleasure, social life, self care for this?

I know I've got to hold my nerve. Something's got to give. I've got to give the job a little while longer, I'm too tired to make big decisions like quitting. I'm sure all will become clear soon. But all I want to do is cry and caccoon myself in bed away from the world.