Another Friday in this office, the mood is low, I didn't think I'd be wanting to count down the days so soon into my notice but I really am now. Just, nobody cares. I dare say I will miss afternoons sat in front of a computer mindlessly scrolling/buying things I don't really need as I'll likely be on my feet. But I think i'll feel the benefits from cutting this organisation out of my life pretty quickly. At least I have a couple of days a week working from home which I'm grateful for.
Tomorrow is moving day - well, from my flat to Wills. The first of hopefully two moves. Being surrounded by boxes of my things feels strange, a little unnerving. It's certainly making anxiety loom from within but I suppose that makes sense, I'm taking away all the things that make the place mine so it's a mere shell now. I suppose it reminds me of the moves I've done in the past, it's difficult to believe that this one is a positive step overall, that I'm moving out of somewhere that was always meant to be temporary into a new, hopefully permanent, phase of life. I suppose nothing is permanent really. But certainly, a place geographically where I can lay down my roots and ultimately, I'm excited for this.
This morning, I wasn't sure if it was the effects of the anxiety I feel about tomorrow or if it was spiked a little with sadness that I'll be leaving my independent life behind. I saw a man on the tube today who reminded me a lot of Dan and I became lost in memories of our past. On normal days I don't think about him at all really and I know it's a good thing that he's no longer in my life as he only served to corrupt it. But we had a lot of fun and I wonder if I'll always be tempted by something new. I think it's only a today mood because overall i'm very content in my relationship. I know it's normal to have crushes while in relationships, it's just knowing not to act on them which of course I wouldn't. Anyway, i've nobody to crush on! I think it's the thought of starting a new life, a new job, hopefully go to the gym again, basically the idea of being able to do all the things i've wanted to do for the longest time that's got me...intrigued. But Will has given me the confidence and support to make these changes, I would never throw it all away over intrigue. I think i've just got a lot of sexual energy running through my body at the moment and knowing i've a morning of stress to endure seems to make it peak. It's my body trying to distract me, I can only guess. Who knows.
We transferred over the deposit yesterday. It felt like a very big and real step. Hopefully the first major checkpoint or three. I think my mind is so used to protecting me from disappointment I haven't really allowed myself to be excited about it throughout the whole process. I mean, there have been moments of course but i've been deliberately keeping myself very guarded. It's been a dream for so long, the fact that I might have a home with someone who wants one with me, to host get togethers, family dos, pets, children for years and years to come...it's almost too much for me to process. So I'll keep hoping but won't truly celebrate until we're inside our front door.
I am certainly anxious about tomorrow but i've just got to remember that i'm doing the best that I can. It will be nice to live at Wills with him for as long as we'll need to. Hopefully it won't be for long but I love that he's excited about it too.
Tonight I'm going to finish off my packing, order a pizza and watch a Christmassy movie. Hopefully I'll get an early night to be set for the weekend ahead. It'll be my last night living by myself, it's gone by quickly. I might pop back occasionally before the tenancy is up but for the most part, I'm ready to move on. The noisy neighbours, the window that rattled in the wind, the slate stove tops that took an age to warm up and forever to cool, the boiler next to my bed rumbling through the night. The spot I picked up my broken pieces after a miserable year before and started to rebuild. I feel so grateful that I'm leaving in a much better state than when I entered.
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