21.12.21

Things are much better now that the dust has settled, thankfully. I'm always so eager to rush to get back to normal but know that it can take a while  the body and mind return to that 'normal' space. It's tempting to want to keep talking it out but there comes a point where no good can come from it and it's better to just move on. It was a misunderstanding, there isn't any underlying truths to uncover, he'd had too much to drink and I picked the wrong moment to tell him I thought he'd been rude. Our confrontation brought up a lot of buried emotions for me and I felt so betrayed that he'd be the one to dredge them up again - he isn't supposed to be like the ones who'd hurt me before, he isn't meant to make me feel so awful, how dare he, etc etc. But he's human and he's allowed to make mistakes. And as we embark on this journey together, it can't possibly be all sunshine and good times, there will be moments where things might get difficult. It's an opportunity to learn about each other and ourselves. Maybe I will learn things that I don't like but it's all in the balance. Nobody is perfect - I know I'm certainly not.

It's a shame that it happened when it did, but we got through it and that's the main thing.

Now the countdown to Christmas begins now that my last day at work is upon us. I can hardly believe that after more than 7 years, my time is finally up. It feels really good because mentally I've been in the space to get out for a long time. I'm looking forward to getting away from such negativity. It will be good to start somewhere new, hopefully in an environment which is a bit more fun. There will be part of this job that I will miss of course. Nobody breathing down the back of my neck all the time, a lot of screen time for life admin, research, no work stress to take home, working with beautiful jewellery. But the stuffy atmosphere, no effort to move forward, no attempt to listen to employees and having to work with a misogynistic, homophobic, privileged, tory prick of a boss I will not miss. The grass isn't always greener and I know there will be frustrations at the new place. But hopefully they will be different gripes, not familiar ones.

Let's get this day done. Because from this evening I'll have my first break off for a while.