19.12.21

My god I feel sad.

For the first time in our relationship I'm wondering if maybe I might be making a huge mistake. I'm so tired and emotionally exhausted.

Will's birthday was nice until he had too much to drink and took dramatic offence by something I said and deliberately misinterpreted it. It was ridiculous and incredibly childish. I felt like I was standing in front of a spoiled brat who'd never been told 'no' before. It was almost laughable but it wasn't because it was a situation I struggled to navigate through. I didn't want to blame it all on the drink, I also didn't want to make him feel bad on his day. But it all got so out of proportion, I felt the familiar, awful return of panick in my gut, adrenaline pumping through my veins, ears thumping loudly as he condescended me and tried to make me feel awful. Which of course I did. I literally wanted to die. I just wanted my life to end right then. Dramatic as it was, that's how truly terrible I felt. I wanted out. I realised he was pathetic and stupid but he made me feel pathetic and stupid. I was terrified by the idea of having to leave and start all over again. I felt mislead. It must have been a couple of hours. We went to bed and I curled into the fetal position praying to god to just take me away. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to run away too, much like right now with my living situation. I'm trapped here in his place, within his life, I just want to get away. I tried to explain how I was feeling but he kept jumping on each word I said and misconstruding it making me even more upset. He didn't know why I wasn't hugging him and I said I didn't want to, why didn't he hug me bullshit before I reluctantly put my head on his chest and he turned out the light. My body would not stop quivering. It shook and shook, I was cold and all I wanted was a hug from someone who reslly cared about me. Why was he doing this to me? I wasn't being unreasonable at all, it was just bad timing, he misunderstood me and I wasn't able to explain. I exploded into tears, I couldn't control them. It was so embarrassing, I hated myself.

But this morning I woke up with him apologising, saying he loves me, he's sorry, if he could do it all differently he would... But it still hurts.

The thing is, my life didn't end. We carried on. It was a learning moment and hopefully, it will make us stronger. He's allowed to make mistakes, as am I. Its only natural that people who spend so much time together have occasional arguments and misalignments. I don't want to, though. I cannot stand confrontations at all. I did not like him when we were in the heat of the moment. I hated him. I don't want to feel that way again but I was disappointed. I'm just typing all this as a form of therapy, so it'll hopefully be off my mind and we can move on from it. There's a lot to process, it's unusual for me to be involved in an argument. 

Maybe it's a good thing there's a delay with the house move. Right now, I'm happy to wait for longer. I can always run away if I do feel that way again.