It's a grey, drizzly Monday morning and I'm sitting in a coffee shop killing time while my flat is professionally cleaned before I leave. I've never been asked to do this before my tenancy ends, I usually do it myself and I'm rather happy to. I feel lazy and I feel judged by the poor cleaners having to do it, but hopefully, it'll be the last time I end up pouring money down the London rental drain.
I got up very early this morning but it's surprising how quickly I get used to leaving the house in darkness. I've been feeling a bit off physically, I'm wondering if my body is convincing me that I'm pregnant when really it's just worsened pms symptoms. Its amazing how it's almost constantly on my mind, I wish that it wasn't because it's annoying - I'm either worried or excited by the possibility. I suppose this time, there is a small chance. Very small....
This upcoming Friday is Wills birthday. I'm looking forward to spoiling him but I'm a little apprehensive too. I realise I suffer greatly from 'imposter syndrome' where I worry time spent with me will be so boring compared to other people. I know he wants to spend it with me, I should take some comfort in that. But in truth I won't until the day is upon us and he's opened up his gifts. I'm made I made them ahead of time while I still could. I made hundreds of oragami hearts and a small book with the weekend plans: a weekend trip away to a nice hotel and a nice meal. I also got one of his favourite albums on vinyl which is collectable. I hope it's the right balance of pampering, quality time together and sentiment. I feel if by Thursday time of the month hasn't greated me I'll have to do a test to see, as I don't want to drink if I maybe am. It's surreal to think about really. Who knows at this point.
Occasionally, unpleasant thoughts fill my mind. Like, he's spent many, many of his birthdays before with previous girlfriends. Perhaps they were better, maybe he thinks about those the more time we spend together. I have enjoyed this past week being at his flat, I think we'll be fine when we live in the house together. I mean, if I had any doubt I wouldn't have entertained getting a house together. But it'll be nice to have a place that will be both of ours, and lots of places to give each other space if we'd like it. We don't know when it'll be, still. Maybe we'll find out more this week but I'm not holding my breath.
Not sure what else to write really. Last couple of weeks of work, which is great. I'm looking forward to getting the hell outta there. I wonder if I'll feel even the smidge of sadness. I think I experienced that along with all the disappointment earlier in the year. I am nervous about starting a new job in a place I don't currently live, but even if it all falls through at least I know that we'll live in the area one day and I can always live at dad's for the time being.
Soon it'll be the end of 2021. I do wonder what the new year will have in store...
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