Feeling a bit worse for wear. The move went well but I think it's going to take me a while to adapt to sharing a space once again. Body feels fragile and all I want to do is sleep. I'm eating far too much comfort food which is proving expensive too. Something about feeling tired that makes all rational thought escape my mind. If it's sparkly? I want it. If it's cheesy and full of carbs? I'll devour it all. I then feel so guilty afterwards. I don't want to gain weight but I fear that I am.
Thing is, what does it matter if I do? It'll never be to an extent that I put my health at risk. So many people have put on a bit of extra weight with Covid, I know I have. I want to be small but if I ever hear anyone else say such a thing I feel a little sad for them. It's complicated and goes back a long way I'm sure. Society has a big part to play. Food and control has always been a thing for me, ever since I left home and started being more independent. Plus I associate the times where I was slimmer as being good times as I attracted a lot of male attention. But the reality was that I wasn't taking care of myself at all. But I was a lot younger then, so I could get away with it. It just feels like a slippery slope.
I don't like that I associate male attention with I feel about myself. Life really is too short to be denying myself things every now and then. Will loves me how I am, surely that's all that matters.
Sigh. I don't know. Perhaps it's the hormones kicking in once again. Probably. They always are.
My things are all piled up the corner of Wills living room. When it was all piled up ready to go I couldn't help but feel it was such a lot of stuff for one person. It is nice to be at his, but despite him telling me that it's 'our' space now, it will always be his flat. By moving out, the reality is starting to sink in. I'm doing this - we're doing this. Are we really ready? Is it really going to happen?
We still don't have any details as to when we'll be able to move into the house. Part of me worries if we ever will as I fear the vendors will drop out if they have to wait much longer. We've done everything we can, but it doesn't seem to help push things along as we'd like. I now understand why people say this is one of the most stressful things a person can do. And we don't even have a place of our own to sell! I suppose we're just hoping. The right thing will happen of course. But it's a long time to just hope without much in the way of updates. Just need that reassurance.
I'm sure it's just the tiredness. But I have moments of feeling a bit nauseous and my body feels sore. There might be a very, very small possibility...I don't even want to type it. In a way I hope that I am but, it wouldn't be the best timing. Thing is, when I start wondering, everything points to it being that. Every little detail. And I make myself late, thinking about it so much. The thing is, in 8 days or so, i'll know. So why can't I just forget about it?
For the first time in my life though, I feel reassured that Will won't make me do something I don't want to do. He made a little joke about schools, I know that he'll throw himself into being a parent without any question. It's really lovely.
I wonder. It's probably just all the stress catching up with me, a new routine, not a lot of sleep. Time will tell, I suppose.
Sigh.
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