I sit and type at my desk in my little studio flat looking out of the window watching the headlamps of passing traffic aglow in the opposite road as dusk draws in. I can hear the birds sing their final songs sitting on leafless branches, children chatter with their parents as they walk home from the preschool a few doors down and I find myself surrounded by packed boxes once again. I will miss this place, within these walls I found myself where I was very much lost. I also found love, which I thought was lost from my life. I learned more about myself and let time heal my wounds. I enjoyed having a space to call my own and didn't feel a rush to move my life along before I'd had a chance to really think it through, though maybe 11 months is small amount of time for some. It has gone quickly, which I am thankful for and surprised by, especially with all the uncertainty that has plagued the previous 2 years.
I am grateful because today I write a positive entry. Some change is on the cards, the kind I've been dreaming of for some time. I'm packing up my things to move to Will's in a few days' time. Though my tenancy ends in January, I wanted to get things sorted here before the festivities begin and what with things being a little uncertain with the house, it would be nice to have all of our things together to move at the same time, once the day comes. Hopefully it will! We went and looked at it one final time last weekend to check everything was as it should be, before we sign the paperwork and hand over the deposit. I'm glad we did because it meant we could meet one of the current vendors who answered some questions and just made the whole experience a bit more human. It started to feel more real for me looking about and seeing their possessions packed away. I don't know why but I wasn't sure if they were serious sellers at the outset but here was a family ready to move out. It seems that the more they were taking away, the more it came into its own. It truly is so beautiful, I feel incredibly lucky. I still can't really believe it's happening and won't until we're inside it, keys in hand. The generally consensus is that we'll be in before Christmas, something that feels a lot sooner than I imagined, although it has been 3 months or so in the making.
Last Wednesday I handed in my notice at work! The place I visited a couple of weekends ago offered me a job there, starting in the New Year and I gladly accepted it. It pays less than what i'm on currently, but i'll be saving the difference in transportation as I'll be able to walk to work, a real luxury indeed. Above all though, they seem like a really nice, genuine bunch of people and I think they'll help me find my feet as I navigate my new life in a new town. I'll be mingling with every day people once again, something i'm sure will drive me nuts in a week or two but i'm really looking forward to because i've missed interacting with people. I've become so terribly ground down at my current place of work; the constant negativity, the unfair work politics, the unrealistic expectations and an overwhelming lack of appreciation. I've started to feel resentful and saddened. I found myself moaning and complaining so much more when really things are fine, I come home feeling so drained and tired when i've spent a lot of the day sat looking at a screen. And this new role isn't my dream job and there will be things about it that won't be ideal (I'll have to work Saturdays,) but if it can just get me settled in, if only for a few months well that's okay. I can think about the bigger picture and apply for other things. It's my ticket out and that is worth its weight in gold!
I felt relief handing the envelope to my manager, who responded just as I imagined. Absolutely no attempt to sway my decision, just said it was a shame 'gotta do what you gotta do' which just sums it all up perfectly. I am utterly replaceable there, of course. But I know that my colleagues rely heavily on my doing everything for them so they can carry out their sweet, sweet working situations. Such as getting up and leaving whenever they fancy, never having to lift a finger, or keeping their hefty salary while on leave for a year while I did their job for nothing. I don't want constant praise or anything or even a thank you at this point. It's just going to be interesting to see how they adapt while finding someone new to fill my spot. I don't want to come across smug because i'm not, it's just...empowering, getting out of a bad situation. Much like my previous relationship. In a lot of ways, work is like a relationship. And i'm fed up of it constantly taking. I want to get out what I put into it.
Hopefully i'll have more time to work on some artwork, something i've been wanting to do for a very long time. It's something that makes me feel very excited to think about. I'll have more time and energy to focus on building a home, putting together a garden, spending more quality time together with Will, our families, my friends, and maybe a few months down the line, start a family.
It's going to be an interesting few weeks but i'm trying not to wish it away because it's all been a big part of my life the last few years and I know there will be times where I'll miss it. As i've mentioned before, work has been a constant for me the past 7 years where everything else has been all over the place. The people i've known who have come and gone, the good times and the bad, it's always been there, even with the ongoing Covid-19 situation. I've never had anyone breath down my neck, they've just trusted me to get on with things and do a good job so there hasn't been a lot of stress. It's had it's good moments and I will fondly remember those for the rest of my days. But i'm ready to rule a line under this chapter and start a new one. With new beginnings I always have a bit of fear at the bottom of my stomach, however this time I feel as though it's a shared chapter with someone who's ready to embark on this journey with me.
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