19.11.21

My mind feels noisy today. Anxiety is very close to the surface. I'm quick to be irritated. Hormones are in full swing. I feel like they're even more intense these days than they used to be, but in a sick sort of way I like being reminded that my body is working. I respect it quietly but wish there was a way I could escape it sometimes.

Work has been busy and frustrating. I feel as though it's place that constantly takes, takes and takes. Even the people I seemingly get on well with just seem to zap all of my energy. I'm so tired of all the constant negativity. I find it adds to my feelings of anxiousness and general deflation. I know i'm lucky to still have a job but, it's really taking it's toll. 

I've printed out my CV and will see if I can drop some off at stores close to where we're hopefully going to live this weekend. The sooner I can get something sorted, the better. I don't want to work at a place where I'm not respected at all and I absolutely don't want to commute 4 hours a day to said place of work - fuck that. 

It's a choice of course but I'm hoping the move will motivate me to make changes where I should have made changes years ago.

I'm meeting Will at his sister's house today, he's there at the moment cat-sitting. They have a pair of beautiful girl kitties who I'm very much looking forward to doting on. I really miss having a cat. I miss Strudle, the cat I had with Andy but there were lots of things he did with the cat that weren't great. It wound me up but I just let him do it because I was weak. My self-confidence was so pathetically low I just didn't care. I was happy to have an animal to give life to our flat, I didn't want to rock the boat. Thinking back, I was so depressed during that time. I hate that whenever anyone talks about Covid and the lockdowns we experienced, I'll be forced to remember those awful, awful days. People will talk about Covid for the rest of my days though, of course. I've just got to try and change my outlook on it. It was a time I got through, I survived it. I got out of there, I found my flat, I found Will, I got my shit together. I didn't let Andy grind me down.