29.10.21

Dreamed of Andy last night. My memory of what actually happened is hazy now it's the evening, but I woke up struck that it was the second night this week he's appeared. It's strange because I don't consciously miss him. But somewhere in the depths of my mind, he's tangled within some difficult memories. As I start to think more about my life without alcohol and other damaging but incredibly fun substances, I think about how it began. Last night I came over feeling very emotional and hugged a pillow and had a little cry. I felt overwhelmed and daunted. I wished I could be somebody else. It was a moment and it passed, but the idea of not being to drink to curb the social anxiety I experience at social gatherings, where everyone drinks and parties til the small hours, I worry. I want to blend in to the environment. At the start, people remarked how well I adjusted to it. But it's not something I want to maintain anymore.

Then I tried to draw my mind back to 'just today' and I feel a bit better. It feels like such a daunting task, to be without something fun and useful for the rest of my days. I know if I had the occasional glass of wine it wouldn't lead to my undoing, it's just I want to get to a point where I don't use alcohol as a crutch anymore. And these occasions don't feel like many but every weekend, coupled with activities with Will, rough sex, not a lot of sleep, my body doesn't have any opportunity to heal. I love all of it. Too much. I want to do all of the things all of the time, but I can't. I want to get to a better head space. And I think cutting these things out will help a lot in the long run. And I hope that with practice, I'll feel less and less afraid of these gatherings. I'll feel more confident in myself and proud.