26.10.21

"I am worthy of receiving all the love the universe has to offer me." 

Listening to these sobriety podcasts is really helping me tap into a very emotional vein for me. I listen to people's stories and frequently feel the need to cry as they talk about their personal realisations and they are similar to feelings i've been masking and hiding from for many years. I know that i'm not an alcoholic, but i've come to the point where I feel alcohol no longer serves me anymore. It isn't making me feel at peace, it upsets the balance in my body and often makes me feel the very opposite. And for an evening of loud fun, I don't feel it's worth it anymore. 

I drink because I don't feel comfortable in myself. I don't have confidence in myself. Getting to the buts and bolts of it, I don't feel worthy of compliments, conversation, friendship. I feel afraid of being disappointed. Of disappointing others. I don't feel I'm enough. 

These things are terribly sad things to write down. If a friend turned to me and told me these things, I'd give them an enormous hug and reassure them that there is no truth to these beliefs they've chosen to share. I don't know when I started to think these things or believe them, I suppose it's been years of running away from social anxiety where alcohol makes me forget all of that and I can finally relax and let go for an evening. It is great, i've had many fantastic times tipsy and drunk. I do feel sad thinking about not sharing those moments with others again but I realise that i've got to think of it as 'i'm not drinking today' not 'i'm not drinking ever again.' 

It's all a part of survival. These are coping mechanisms that i've generated over a long time. They've worked, i've been on the planet for 31 years so something has to be right, why not keep at it. But that's not always right. I feel guilty about such a lot of things, mainly just feeling the way I do. I don't feel I deserve to feel the way I do. So many people go through awful, terrible, appalling things and somehow, they don't feel close to what I feel. Yet somehow I don't think i'm allowed to. My reasons aren't justifiable. I'm met with my inner bully once again. She's always there on the sidelines, rubbing her hands together in wait for when I cross her path once again. 

But I know that i'm not alone. This is a turning point for me in learning more about who I am. Because really, I love who I am. I am so grateful to be alive. Although there's a lot of sadness on this planet, I feel life is a very beautiful thing. It is a privilege to be here. I don't really think i'm a boring, dull or uncool person. But when i'm surrounded by other people, i'm crippled by self-doubt. I'm hoping that i'll be able to go to one of Wills's friends' parties and not feel the need to drink while i'm there. Last weekend felt too soon however, and I decided to give it a miss. Will ended up staying home too and we had a lovely relaxing time together. But his ex was going and it was likely going to be a heavy, long affair and I simply didn't want to put myself through it. I don't regret it. But I know I can't make a habit of it. I'm just going to take everything one day at a time. It's all we can do after all. 

I'm making the most of working from home but getting on with art projects and keeping busy using my hands. It's something I look forward to doing and very restful for my mind. Will's birthday present is nearly complete. His gifts are on the way in the post, i've created a book of his bday weekend with a drawing on the front and i'm in the process of putting together 337 origami hearts (the number of days i'll have known him on the 17th of December.) Part of me fears that it might be a little overboard but that's from the outside, what i'd imagine other people would say in reaction to learning of my plans. It's what I want to do, it's what I think he'd like and he makes me want to go a little overboard. I've never felt so loved and adored in my entire life. This bit is what i'm good at. I love making things for people and getting thoughtful gifts. 

Once upon a time I would have scrunched my nose up thinking about starting a 'grateful journal' believing it would be a pointless endeavour. But I know it's very helpful and today as I walked outside and looked up at the leaves on the trees rainbowing through greens, oranges and deep reds I felt very grateful for a lot of things. So i'm going to make a point every day to make a note of what I am thankful for. It might be 3 words, it might 3 paragraphs. I don't know at this point;

1. I am grateful for life and being on the planet.
2. Trees. I have fond memories of hugging them as a child on our school field. I feel a connection to them. They do so much for us and our earth. They are also very beautiful and wise. 
3. Finding that 'new song' that just clicks for some reason. Today mine is 'Junior Day League' by Hovvdy.

Well. Until tomorrow with more of those I suppose.