18.20.21

Feeling the need to journal today. 

I've been listening to a lot of stop drinking podcasts and i've found that it's a very pleasant and positive space to spend my time. I don't truly believe that I have a problem with drinking - I am so thankful for that. But I do find I have a problem navigating social situations where I often feel awkward and out of my depth (which happens to be a lot of occasions that happen fairly regularly.) I don't like how I drink at these sorts of functions. There's a comfort that I feel with a drink in my hand, I become louder and more giggly which makes me feel as though i'm more fun to be around. This is supported by people telling me that i'm fun, that i'm funny, good company and getting drunk is just generally celebrated in these circles. It's definitely a focus at Will's friends' gatherings and I do enjoy them when I go but I'm just plagued with regret the following day. I feel absolutely terrible enduring a hangover and i'm filled with cringey memories of things I did or said the previous evening whilst under the influence. I get drunk so easily because I drink easily - it's something to do, it's normal, it's expected, it's what everyone else is doing in that moment. But I don't really want to. I know I don't do anything very embarrassing, but it's more the feeling that I should get drunk in order to fit in that makes my insides itch. I feel such terrible anxiety during the following days, something I already have an unhealthy amount of in my ordinary, daily life. I get nervous thinking about an upcoming social event, knowing that there will be drinking and there will be drug taking and I just...don't know if I want to be in that environment. Because i'm too uncomfortable to not drink - I worry i'll be making a fuss, making other people feel awkward or bad, appearing uncool or perhaps that i'm better than others because of how I feel. All I want to do is to just blend in. I fear that not drinking is making a statement that will provoke a lot of questions. 

Maybe it won't, though. I know everyone is always just thinking about themselves, like I am right now. Perhaps people won't even notice. But drinking does give me more energy, I can stay up until 3am with everyone else no problem. Not drinking drains so much energy and being around drunk people isn't very fun. There's a house party this weekend and I don't want to go. It's the girl who had a party before where Will's ex came along so i'm sure she'll be there again this time. It's not the reason I don't want to go, but it is an additional thing to the list of reasons why i'd much rather sit it out. But I missed the last party and I don't think I can miss another. I know Will will probably be supportive, but I don't want to let him down. He won't want to go on his own so he'll stay home and for what? I know he has a massive fear of not missing out, I don't want to be the reason why he's missing out having a great time with his friends. I do think that Will drinks a lot and when he's there with everyone else, he'll do whatever is going around. Coke, MDMA, pills, you name it. And if he's doing it, I feel like I should too. I enjoy taking drugs more than drinking alcohol, but I still would rather not be in the position of being faced with it. I'd rather not. To all of it! I use these things to mask my discomfort in social situations because I don't rate myself very highly at all. I feel I'm dull and boring without these things. I know this isn't the case, but I don't often get the opportunity to express myself otherwise. And that's okay. 

I used to enjoy drinking when I was younger. But now it just makes me feel so, so bad the next day I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm so aware of the damage i'm doing to my body.

Maybe I should go along to this party and not drink. Arm myself with alcohol free drinks and just see how long I can stand it. It's not fair to assume a series of bad outcomes when I haven't even gone along to see for myself. And then i'll know for next time. And there will be a next time. It's silly that something that seems to fun at the outset is proving to be such a challenge for me. I don't have anybody else I could see instead as an excuse. I feel anxious about all of this already and it's 6 days away. It's not worth getting upset about i'm sure but I like to people please.

I'm just going to let it all sink in and just see how I feel as the week progresses.