14.10.21

I've been thinking a lot about age today. And health. Age and health. I'm not sure when it happened but there was a turning point a year or so ago where now I'm taking a lot more notice of how my body feels and how it can no longer keep up with the sort of abuse that I used to throw at it in my twenties. Realising this makes me feel old and uncool - something I'm growing more conscious of and rather, sad by? I'm not sure if it's sadness or not really.  In one way i'm really enjoying a few subtle changes I've made in my life; not feeling the need to keep up with fashion trends anymore (not that I ever did really, but I used to enjoy following fashion from afar,) dressing more for comfort than for appeal, not straightening my hair as much as I used to - something I used to be incredibly self-conscious of, not wearing as much makeup, not wanting to get really drunk  because of the consequences the following day. I think Will has helped bring on this new state of mind. I associate it with getting older, but perhaps it's more based on wisdom. If I felt the way I do now back in my twenties i'm sure I would have done these things a lot sooner. I wish I had. But I feel a security and comfort in him that makes me want to take better care of myself. To be a better partner, friend, and one day, a mother. As things are moving along with the house we've started talking more about our plans. I explained that I was a little apprehensive about getting the house in a finished state before thinking about children, as this timeline is vague and could go on for many years - which might make things harder. He completely understood and said he's open to thinking about it in the next 12 months or so, something that fills me with such a lot of joy. Although, I can hardly believe it. Because it's something i've wanted for so very long and it might just become a reality. He might actually make my dreams come true. 

But i'm not getting carried away thinking about these things as there's such a lot that needs to happen before then. So we're just taking things day by day at the moment. Sometimes excitement creeps in but then I shrug it away, for fear of everything disappearing which it still might. I don't want to be negative, but I do want to be open minded. I know that going through the process of buying a house is one of the hardest, most stressful things anyone can go through. So my guard is up. 

I've been dreaming a lot about women. In a relationship sort of way, sometimes sexual. I suppose i've been thinking more about my sexuality. Not doubting it, but just, contemplating areas of experimentation i've not really had the opportunity to explore before. Perhaps I never will. I certainly don't feel unfulfilled in any way, in fact I feel so very compatible with Will in that respect. It's amazing. He's amazing. It's funny how I go through spells of wondering about these sorts of things. I wonder what these dreams could mean. 

I'm starting to get excited/nervous about the idea of changing jobs. What if there isn't anything for me in the new area closer to home? I'm scared to look. I know that I must start soon. I suppose i'm worried there won't be anything to apply for. I know that hasn't been the case in the past. I suppose it's been so long since i've looked, everything feels so out of reach.