First morning I've got up very early for a long time. First thing I noticed? A lot of death. A dead pigeon in the street, a dead mouse on the train platform. It made me feel sad, it's something that is usually swept away before i have the chance to see it. But, just because I don't usually see it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.
The weekend was nice and relaxing. I ate far too much but it was nice to have some rest and recharge. I'm feeling a bit better than I was this time last week. I didn't drink anything, which is something I hope to maintain for a while. I did eat chocolate though, for the first time in a couple of months. I feel guilty because it's something I shouldn't really eat. I always gobble it down in excess and I know it doesn't agree with me. It also gives me spots, it's just, not for me overall. But it sets those feel-good chemicals alight in my brain that's for sure. Undeniably.
It's starting to feel autumnal now. The air is fresher and people have their coats on. Still the odd pair of shorts about for those who can't let go of the summer yet. I'm ready for chillier days and darker evenings though. The year is drawing to an end and I'm pleased for this. I'm looking forward to a new chapter beginning with Will and eventually moving out of the city. This will also mean having to get a new job because the commute will be so long and so very expensive. It'll be a glorious day saying goodbye to somewhere I've felt so under valued. I finally feel ready to take it on and make the change.
I find it interesting how this relationship feels dramatically different to any that I've had in the past few years yet I don't feel the need to write about it as much as i usually feel I need to. It must mean I feel better about it on some level, I'm not having to constantly evaluate how I'm feeling or process continual disappointment or fear. For that I feel so very grateful. If I think back to the past, every day I felt a moment of peace or happiness it was almost instantly followed by a pang of panic - something I'd need to write about right away. I have certainly had moments of worry with Will and I'm sure I'll have more, with his ex still on the scene with his close circle of friends. But I suppose with each day that passes, he's proving to me that he isn't going to be like Andy, or do what he did. He's a better man that that. Eventually it'll be something I just naturally feel, in time. I hope.
This Friday I am on my way home via the train to see dad. Will is at a friend's party which will surely be a wild one, something I didn't feel in the mood for this time around. It feels really good saying no to a bout of anxiety that would have surely plagued me throughout the day and yesterday. Instead I'm choosing to spend my eve with someone I love most in this world. And I like the idea of Will having his night with his friends, he can do what he likes without having to worry about me which I like the idea of very much. I won't make a habit of it because I know it's important to him that I go to these gatherings. But I've been to enough now to draw a 'pass' card I feel, and he agrees.
It does feel a bit strange being sat here, looking over the busy platform I've stood so many times over the years. I sometimes think how interesting it would be to see the silohettes of my past self standing at various points of my life, looking up at the display boards, maybe arm in arm with a past love, maybe meeting someone from the family, a friend. Impossible of course but, time does go by quickly I realise as I think back.
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