24.09.21

It's been a while since I typed out things on my mind. 

I've been feeling very run down this week. I may well be fighting off something, or maybe it's hormonal, i'm not really sure. Perhaps I haven't been giving myself the time I need to really, truly relax. I haven't been feeling too anxious though, which is noteworthy. Maybe it's feeling tired from happy times instead of more worrying. There's always a bit of worry thrown in for good measure of course. 

I've been trying hard to sell some of my clutter and get a little more balance in my financial situation, which feels good. It feels nice to get rid of things I don't really wear anymore. I just hope I don't get carried away and start buying loads of things to fill the void. I think I'm getting a better idea of how I'd like to dress. Just lately I just want to be more comfortable, in the hope that it'll help me feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's an ongoing battle of course, it'll take more than clothes to help make me feel better in that regard. 

Things seem to be happening in terms of the house. I'm trying not to make it my main focus of my recent entries because I run the risk of obsessing over it and so, so much of it is outside of my control. And if it transpires that it falls through (which it might,) then it'll either make me sad or cringe a little reading back over. But it's something. We're taking some big steps together, which is very exciting. I still can't believe he wants to with me. 

I just took some time re-read through my entries from exactly a year ago today. I felt my heart sink. I feel tears in my eyes. I was just so desperately unhappy. I was in an awful, awful relationship and was suffering from depression in a way i've never felt before. And I know I wasn't being truly honest with my words either, I was putting such a positive spin on truly terrible situations and I felt my toes curl in my shoes as I read these things, just wanting to give myself an enormous hug. I'm so glad that I felt when I did. Sure, I spent thousands on double rent which he could have easily have covered himself. And yes, I ended up leaving our beloved pet in his care. But my life now...is so, so much better. My relationship now, I cherish. Will is such a wonderful person and he really loves me. He isn't afraid of showing me this love, he isn't terrified of talking about 'the bigger picture,' he's always looking out for me. I could cry with happiness. And of course, who knows what could happen. It's always a gamble, perhaps he will betray me later down the line. But right now, I want to trust him. And the more time we spend together, the less awful pains of anxiety and fear stab at my insides.