06.09.21

It's a glorious warm and sunny day yet I feel rather sad, so I thought I should type for a while and unpack what's going on with it. 

It's probably two key things; I'm tried, it was a busy, family filled weekend and that i'm currently on my time of the month, where at some point or another i'll end up feeling really down in the dumps. Hopefully it's just a passing moment and after a good nights rest i'll feel better tomorrow. I also think it might be linked to a decision i've made very recently where I feel I need to stop my therapy sessions for a while. I was sure of this decision when I thought about it over the weekend but after sending the email, I feel so guilty. It was a source of true self care and putting a stop to it feels as though i'm taking a step backwards. I did tell her how much I enjoyed the sessions and how i'd been finding them very helpful. I also said that I wanted to take them up again in the future, It's just right now, I cannot afford them. Therapy is really expensive and even though i'm making a real effort in selling of the things I never use anymore and put myself on a serious budget, I still cannot afford it. It is a sad truth to face. Going through my accounts and really trying to get my head around my finances was really eye-opening. I should have done it years ago. It's hard to not give myself a hard time over the major mistakes i've made in the past; double rent, repayments on cosmetic dental work, investing far too much on a wardrobe that's plentiful already. But, they were times in my life where I thought I was doing the right thing. I'm not in a terrible position or anything, I can still live and get by. But i'll be needing to live a lot more mindfully. An exercise i'm hoping will be a positive one overall. 

I will miss Catherine because she was a nice lady. I will miss having a safe space to voice secrets, thoughts and fears that have never surfaced before. I will miss being heard. But I must remember everything i've learned so far from it and how lucky I was to have the opportunity for a good 5 or 6 hours. I do feel as though it has made a lasting impression on me. I think i've got to take some time to think about that a little more.

I had a nice weekend. I saw my dad on Saturday where we tackled trying to declutter his kitchen along with some good food and chat. We always have such a laugh, I love him so much. The following day on my way back to Will's I saw mum too and it was really nice too. She was happy to see me and we talked about lots of things. She's excited about my and Will's plans to buy a place soon (for which I worried she'd be critical of,) and she shared with me some things that had been going on within the family; my aunt isn't well again and my other uncle and auntie I never really see are pressuring her to let them stay with her. It was insightful and helpful and I was glad that she felt able to share these things with me, though sadly not for very long as before I know it, Rick is home from work and the dynamic changes a bit. But it was still lovely. I drove away feeling content, tired and then guilty. Because I always assume that time in her company is going to go a certain way and when it doesn't, I feel for really bad for thinking that way about her. I know i'm only going off experience. But still, everyone deserves a new start. 

I think I feel anxious about a couple of upcoming social things. On Thursday me and Will are going to a gig together - something I love and have missed dearly. But, I feel nervous about it. I've almost forgotten what it's like to be in that sort of space. I'm hoping it'll come back to me and we'll have a lovely time, i'm sure we will. At the weekend it's a friend of his birthday and it's a big one, with a fancy dress theme and there will be surely lots of drinking and likely lots of drugs. I was looking forward to it but now it's getting closer I realise what i'm taking on. I'm sure i'll end up having a nice time as I always do but, the build up...I don't know. It's always like this for me, I don't want it to be. I think i'll just let those things perculate for a while but try not to worry about them now. 

I'm going to have a relaxing evening and an early night. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.