I went in to my therapy session today not really knowing what we were going to talk about. Coming away from it now, I know that we struck something major.
Something I wasn't expecting with therapy is that it's not really about something brand new revealed to you, more emphasising what you've kinda known all along but never voiced. So hearing someone say it back to you is so reassuring. They are the quickest hours of my life and I wish they went on for longer. When the session ends I find I'm really in the flow of it. Then I feel like my soul is left exposed and I'm to be back out in the world once again for Oxford Street to batter and bruise me once more. I don't want to forget what I've learned. I wish I could stay in that zone. Perhaps with more sessions I'll feel that I can.
When talked about the conversations that I'd been having with Will, uncomfortable and difficult though they were I still went about having them. Finances and the bigger picture, all relivant conversations to be having when considering buying a home. I think we're making progress though which is good, I don't feel scared to tell him how I feel. But I do feel scared afterwards. We talked about this more and when this stems from: the relationship with my mother and perhaps my childhood wasn't quiet as happy as I thought it was. We explored why my mum thought I was always the happy child, how I feel a very real fear of being myself around her, why I don't open up, why I'd rather avoid confrontation at all costs.
I do feel like I'm that scared little girl still, and not only around her but anybody I feel I need to talk about how I feel with.
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