17.08.21

'I'm just thinking about how you gave so much more than you got.'

'you were mourning the end of two things during that time. Your relationship and your baby.'

'you were so quick to swallow that anger and blame yourself instead of allowing yourself to be angry at him.'

I feel like I've made some progress today at my therapy session. Progress that I was not expecting.

I started off feeling frustrated at myself being unable to let the barrier drop down, for not feeling better prepared. But after acknowledging the ground covered last week, it soon came flooding out of me, including the tears. It's all so very close to the surface. Tightly wound within my chest, I felt my eyes fill and sting as I retell and downplay the trauma. 

We talked more about the worst time of my life, how I had to spend time in hospital and how Andy disrespected me for yet another time whilst I was there. We talked more about him and our relationship, how I was amazed how someone like him would be into someone like me, and how ultimately, he wasn't really. How he was so immature, how he had this strange and unhealthy relationship with an ex and how I put up with such a lot of shit throughout our time together. I thought I was over him and I totally am, but I didn't give myself nearly enough time to process the damage that he did or the deep hurt that I felt. I wanted to move on. I was embarrassed. I was foolish. The niggling doubts I had all along were right. 

We talked about my 'inner bully' how I have twisted tendency to torture myself instead of being angry at someone. When I contemplated who that voice was inside my head, I concluded that it could have been mums. I felt guilty admitting that, because it's basically saying that my mum is a bully to me. But I'm only going off what I grew up with understanding. I explained that this inner bully was nothing new to me and this voice has constantly told me dark things for most of my adult life. I think we might talk more about this next week.

I like Catherine, she's professional yet she is sympathetic when I talk about what I've been through. I'm so quick to brush it aside, to parcel it up and bury it deep within me. But I'm starting to realise that actually, I went through something absolutely awful and I was completely alone. In the past I was able to process the grief through acts of independence and spend time with friends and people I love, go to work etc. But this time it coincided during the height of the pandemic, I couldn't see anyone at all, couldn't go to work or do anything normal. I was isolated. I had no outlet. I genuinely contemplated suicide. It's hard for me to think that now, to think how much my life has changed for the better. But I was there, he was there somewhere yet I was so very alone. He should have been there for me but he wasn't, all he wanted to do was drink. I didn't feel I could confide in him because it was pointless, he would reassure me or comfort me. It would just put more distance between us because he couldn't emotionally handle it. 

I feel sad for my past self. I feel so sad that I blamed myself for so long and held him in such high regard. But whatever for? Because he looked attractive? 

Maybe that's why I woke up feeling sad today. I am tired too, which is usually the cause. But maybe I knew that I had a session coming up today and that I knew i'd be uncovering more sad truths. I admitted to Catherine how I'd told myself i'd be willing to put up with this constant weight of sadness for the rest of my life. Because I felt it was something I deserved for carrying out a procedure so terrible. But I was only doing what I thought was right at the time. I don't want to punish myself for this for the rest of my life. I used to feel I deserved it but now I know that isn't true at all.

I'm sure the road is long, but I feel proud of myself for talking about something that is so hard for me to do. I want to keep this momentum going. I want to live and enjoy my life. I want to forgive myself. 

I decided in that session that I wasn't ever going to voluntarily talk to Andy again. I've given him far too much and I gain nothing from our conversations. I've also decided that I want to take better care of myself. I want to wear things that make me feel good. I want to focus on the future.