12.08.21

I need to forgive myself. I did what I had to do at the time. It was a really difficult situation and I was completely isolated from everyone else, I didn't have anyone to talk to. In my gut I knew it was the right decision. 

Yesterday I went in knowing that I wanted to talk about it at last. It was the reason I signed up in the first place and over the past month or so, I feel I'm building a trust with this person. I'm realising that it's a safe place to share these thoughts and I'm there because I want to get well, I want to help myself, I want to let go of these terrible weights that pull and drag at my insides. 'Would you like to talk about it?' she asked kindly. 'Yes please,' and I wept. I felt relief mixed with sadness as I started to dredge up the past. I felt awful admitting that I'd experienced suicidal thoughts during this time because I genuinely believed that it would have been easier than having to decide. Although there is a lot more than needs to be said, it was a mere scratch of the surface, it still felt a little freeing. I gave myself such a hard time and felt so alone. I felt as though i'd never feel joy again. I explained how I felt it was the first real time i'd 'sinned' how I worried about my future, how I found it hard for my friends and colleagues who were going through parenthood. I think I will get there in time, eventually.