It's been a long time since I wrote an entry here and now felt like a good time to unload a bit of what's been going on. It's difficult to know where to start. It feels like not a lot has happened but at the same time, there have been some changes that are worthy of note.
First of all, I've started having therapy. Proper face to face sessions with a therapist called Catherine. I've had 4 sessions so far and today felt like a bit of a breakthrough session. I cried and let go. The tears that came to the surface so quickly flooded out of me and I felt relief. There's still a lot to talk about, but it's a good start and I feel proud of myself.
The sessions are very expensive, so it's not something I can do for long. But my anxiety was getting to uncontrollable levels and my usual ways of managing them before weren't doing the trick anymore. Things were stacking up too high and I knew that something had to be done before it all collapsed catastrophically and I had a breakdown. I had to do something. I also wanted to show Will that I was trying to do something about it. I'm getting fed up of using my anxiety as an excuse for my distance or being incredibly tired. He is so understanding about everything and i've never felt more supported in all my life. But he deserves my best self as do I.
Last week I celebrated my 31st year on this planet and as the date grew closer, I knew there were a few things I wanted to get in order before the fateful day. I knew I wanted to give therapy a chance, and I knew I wanted to start to take better care of myself. Today marks 1 month 4 days since I had any chocolate. Something I never thought i'd be able to refrain from for a week, let alone a month. I didn't (and still don't,) like the relationship I have with it. It's my vice, it's my drug. I eat it greedily, alone, in vast quantities and it's terrible. It's expensive and it makes me feel rotten the next day. I know i've typed here in the past about my chocolate and sugar addiction but I haven't found the strength in the past to really abstain from it. Something felt different this time. Maybe because I was doing it with the support of a loving partner, or maybe while I wasn't trying to give up too much at one time. I'm still letting myself eat treat foods, and also hot chocolate when I really have the urge, because I'm able to eat these in a more sensible way. I've also started to do yoga, something I hope i'll be able to maintain for a while. My body aches but I feel present in it.
Last week both me and Will had booked it off work to spend some quality time together and indulge in some birthday plans. Sadly, he had to self-isolate for 7 days so we spent the time in his flat, but it was still lots of fun. On reflection it was a helpful week as we got through it without any arguments and the rare spells I had a bout of hormone induced mood swings, we talked it all through which was really nice. We talked more about living together and he's open to renting a place closer to his family and mine, which is rather exciting. If we do this might mean I'll be able to quit my job and work somewhere else which makes me feel much better about things, because it's been a very frustrating time as of late. I've known it for years but I seriously believe that my current work environment is detrimental to my health and wellbeing, something I'm acutely aware of while trying to put it at the forefront of my mind. At least I have a rough plan in place now. I know that my employer doesn't care about my at all so I no longer feel guilty about wanting to move on, or for not going the extra mile at every opportunity. They have made it clear that they don't want to acknowledge all the extra work I do or make any changes where there need to be changes so I know I can't stay for longer than needed. They've had their warning.
During the week off, me and Will did some magic mushrooms which was such a wonderful experience. I was initially a little apprehensive about doing it together, as I couldn't shake the experience of what happened when me and Andy last did it together. Well, I had an amazing time but he did not and later had a serious panic attack. I was worried Will's bravado was masking fear but it wasn't actually and he had a good time overall. I feel it brought us closer together. It was a life affirming experience for me, I left my body and was embraced by wonderfully kind spirits who offered me comfort and reassurance. A father and daughter came and told me to forgive myself, they were so kind and understanding. I let go of everything, I wasn't judged, I was welcomed with pure happiness I felt nothing but grateful. My grandma met me, along with Sally, an outpouring of love and happiness who told me to tell dad just how much she loved him. It was such a special, emotional moment. It is my favourite place. Absolute europhia. It was exactly what I needed. They told me I should tell my therapist about the experience, which I did today and she was very interested in it. It lead to some very important and helpful discussions too, so they advised me well. 'They' also told me how my they liked Will, how he truly loved me, how we'd found each other and that he was a good person. When I looked at him and felt him close to me I felt such love and thankfulness. I saw a baby growing in our hands. I saw waves that linked us together.
I realise how important it is for me to do shrooms annually. Although I feel exhausted from all the crying (mostly happy tears,) I feel so much lighter afterwards and more spiritually in tune with the world and my body. It's just such a shame it doesn't last for longer. Everyday life soon knocks it out of you again. But I had the experience and it made me feel more in tune with myself. I look forward to doing it again whenever that may be.
I feel there is more to write but i'm going to leave it for now. Hopefully i'll update soon.
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