12.07.21

None of this matters. I know it. I can rationalise everything. So why can't I believe any of it?

I'm starting to worry about whether living together would be as great an idea as we both make it out to be in the moment. But how I feel this morning, relief that I'm going back to my own flat so I can do my own thing for the next 5 days before the next nerve-wracking social event, fills me with relief.

I'm happy to be invited to these things, but they almost always seem to get out of control. I have a fun time overall, but I get so anxious beforehand it ends up making me feel a physical reaction and I'm burned out so quickly. Will is a very social person and he has relationships that date many years with these people, so he doesn't truly get it.

They drink so much booze. Drugs almost always make an appearance at places that don't feel very necessary, and I watch Will do it all plentifully. I'm not going to tell him what to do, but it doesn't make me feel great. We haven't been together long enough to have these sorts of difficult conversations, but if we live together we will need to. We already had one of those over the weekend, where it transpires this big party next Saturday will have his ex attending again. And of course its not definite, she could be there or maybe she won't be. God I hope she won't be, but she likely will. And she might be attending with her partner, which is great, I'd want him to be there to absorb the awkwardness, but I'll bet he won't because, he's the guy she chested on Will with! Imagine that, one of your closest most amazing friends inviting your ex and her partner, the cheatie, to a partner you're joint organising. Awful business if you ask me. But Will doesn't seem to look at this way, or he's not admitting it because it would appear that he's avoiding confrontation with this person, which he absolutely is. I met her this weekend too and I feel she's one to be wary of. I doubt she likes me, especially if she's team ex gf. Urgh. It's all too much drama for me personally. I don't want to go this fucking party, I didn't really first time it was talked about but Will managed to persuade me, being all 'you know everyone there, Katy won't be going' bullshit. To be fair, he didn't know until Saturday. Either way, here I am again. Feeling anxious, uncomfortable and scared. The frustrating thing is, I'll have to go. Because if I don't, Will won't and he'll resent me for it, and it'll likely cause questions amongst his friends... I just hate being put in these situations. Twice in as many weeks!! I cannot, from a mental point of view. I don't want the pressure. And I'll be so nervous drink won't have any effect. I know I can choose to give a fuck about this or let it pass me by. A bigger person would go.

Perhaps I'll go, but I'll come up with a safety plan. If I feel weird and uncomfortable, I'll go home. What a glorious thought that is to me already.

This will be a thing that'll happen a lot, because everyone is intertwined and he doesn't want anyone to choose between him and her, which is incredibly dramatic and I personally don't feel it needs to be like that. It's a shame he doesn't feel able to eject her from the group, but then again, it isn't a nice thing to do. Plus he assures me there's absolutely nothing he feels for her at all, which I do believe. I don't feel it's coming from the same weird place as Andy and his ex. But still, I don't like it. And there's a bit of me that hopes she'll drift away with her life but I doubt she will. It isn't my place to get involved with any of it anyway. Which is probably why it makes me feel horrendous, I don't have any real say in the matter without sounding petty.

Oh well. It's 6 days away, maybe a satalite will come crashing out of the sky and land cleanly on my head before then. Hopefully. I joke a dark joke but a bit of me does find comfort in that thought sometimes.