Well, after a week of torturing myself, the weekend came and went and I survived it. I still feel a bit dazed from it all to really reflect about how I feel about how it went, but I am certainly relieved that it's done now. The week went slowly and any free moment I where I wasn't focused on something, my mind was always jumping back into a fresh set of nerves making my stomach whirl into knots, teasing with me with thoughts of 'oh, you don't have to go if it's making you feel uncomfortable,' despite knowing that I had to do this, for my relationship as much as myself. When the day arrived, it wasn't long before Will's friend showed up and a glass of wine was in my hand. I didn't want to drink, but knew that this was an occasion where I really had to. It was the only way i'd be able to settle the anxiety a little, and behave almost normally. His friend was a nice enough guy and it was nice to hear them talk about old uni stories. A lot of his friends seem to be similar in that they enjoy doing a lot of drugs, which I don't love I have to say. Will says he's ready to leave it all behind but, I wonder if he really means it. I guess I have to trust him. The party was okay but Will got too drunk and loud which irritated me as alcohol no longer had an effect as the nerves amped up to the ex's arrival later in the evening. There were some familiar faces there thankfully which helped pass the time. When she arrived everyone was delighted to see her, lots of long hugs and catch ups going on. She asked Will how he was doing and saw me and shook my hand which was very polite and kind, I did feel a bit better for the ice being broken. However as I saw his friends talking to her some familiarly, I felt the usual self-doubt crowd my mind and I felt tiny, small and insignificant. What the fuck was I even doing there? Why does he want me to feel like this? Why do I now have to see her, so I can see everything that i'm not and will never be? Why do I find myself faced with other peoples baggage? My body went cold, though it did warm up as one of Will's best friends came over and hugged me saying that he didn't want me to feel like he was taking any sides, ackowledging that it was an awkward situation and that Katy (the ex) was his very good friend but didn't want me to feel that there wasn't love there for me. It was so sweet and made me feel a lot better. Max has a much nicer way with words than Will I find, but then I guess Will was nervous about the whole situation too but didn't want to let on. It was such a mature move by him and I knew exactly what he meant. Of course I mustn't feel jealous over friendships formed over 7 years or so, I know it isn't a 'who's best' competition and everyone who attended was very nice about the whole thing, just as she was. We even shared a hug at the end of the evening and she thanked me for being 'cool about it' (ha! If she knew what was going on inside) and said that she hoped to meet me again. I thanked her too and admitted that i'd felt a bit nervous about it all and she seemed to understand. Will was very pleased with how it all went too. He didn't have much interaction with her, but afterwards thanked me for how well i'd taken it all and how he knew that it wasn't an easy position to put me in. In the morning he said that he felt proud.
I should feel proud of myself, but then my body loves me to worry and will look for any opportunity to stew things over and put myself down. So I can't possibly feel anything that isn't 'you're not good enough, you never will be. Maybe you will if you lose a stone, or had nicer clothes, or dyed your hair blonder' etc.
Life is so short. I can't understand why I want to punish myself...
Work has been shite. I feel over worked and under appreciated, as fucking usual. I wish I could fly away and move to something far better. I'm sure such a place exists, but I have't dared look yet. I will. I'm fed up of being treated unfairly, while my colleagues get better, more flexible treatment.
First though, me and Will are off for a long weekend holiday and I cannot wait. It's going to be 4 days of nice food, long walks by the beach, lots of sex and connection. Possibly too much alcohol but right now, I welcome it. Because I welcome a break away and for some fun.
Only live once, got to make the most of things while we can.
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