I'm on the train on my way back to London after what has mostly been a really lovely weekend. I did however have a moment of panic, which continues to stay with me, niggling at me today and I must unload it all here now, before the unnecessary spiral of worry and doubt starts again.
This coming Saturday is a friend of Wills Birthday party, and she's doing a gathering outside in a London based park. I knew about this for a while and was already not super stoked by the idea. He told me on Saturday that his ex was going to be in attendance.
I just felt a wave of fear come over my body and I went cold. I stopped eating and I struggled to look him the eye as he was telling me. I knew I was being irrational, but I was suddenly flooded with terrible thoughts of 'that's it, there's the catch. He's going to fall in love with her again and leave you. He's going to embarrass you. Everything's going to slot back into place as it used to be for them and all his friends will cheer saying, we were always rooting for you two!' I felt so angry that I was in this position again. I felt so sad that I didn't feel good enough. I felt scared that this was the end of what we had or the start of something awful, like with Andy and his disfunctional relationship with his ex. I tried to smile and be cool about it, but then I started unloading my worries which Will listened to thoughtfully and empathically. He completely understood why I felt the way I did (and still do) and said he'd feel the same way if it were the other way around. I said I felt it was too soon for me to be planting me flag, so to speak. That I didn't want to be there to witness the first time they'd seen each other, I don't want to put any pressure on them both. I also said how I hated that I felt this way, that I wish I could just give less of a fuck about it but I can't. I explained how I've been stung in the past with Andy and his ex, mostly betrayed. He was very supportive.
I know there's no pressure for me to go, and my initial reaction was to go and do something else and not put myself through the upset and awkwardness. I had a shower and stewed.
But when I came out I thought 'why do I feel so threatened? I haven't done anything wrong here. I've been invited, his friend wants me to be there, Will has clearly said that he wants me to be there too. I'm not a home wrecker, I have nothing to do with his past. Sure I hate that his past is coming to face me, but maybe that's where I went wrong in the past. Hiding myself away almost ashamed, like Im not worthy to be a part of the social activity.
Yes, it'll likely be awkward. But do I want it to be? No. Will she want it to be? Probably not. If I don't go, people will understand but it'll be the easy option. The easy way out. I love this man and want to be with him for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to face this at some point or another. Not only will I be challenging myself in a very big way, but his friends will see that I made the effort and Will too. I don't want there to be any bad blood there at all, I'm just so scared that she won't like me. Terrified even. But if that's the case, will that be my fault? I won't have any control over what she thinks about me.
He has assured me that there's no anomocity there between them, no unfinished business, he felt relieved telling her that he was with me, and she someone else, that they likely won't have much to talk about - and certainly nothing that I can't hear.
It's so comforting to think about how I don't have to go, I really just want to get the fuck out of the whole situation. But I know I must, and ultimately will go. If it is horribly awkward, if his friends dont talk to me or make me feel uncomfortable, if Will ignores my feelings or makes me upset, I can get the hell out of there. I'll know not to get involved any further. But I'm sure it won't be as horrible as I think it's going to be. It's just my crushing anxiety, trying to spoil an event that hasn't even happened yet.
I want to like his ex, I feel I should demistify her and see that there's nothing to worry about. Trust them both not to upset me. Which is incredibly hard, of course.
I have a choice here, to not give a fuck. I'm choosing to give one, annoyingly but this is a choice. I can go, I can just be myself, treat her as I would any other person. Then it'll be done. If she doesn't like me, then that's her problem. I'm not going to give her any reason not to. If his friends make me feel weird, well they're not the sort of people I should know. If Will doesn't support me through the situation that I'm only really putting myself through for him, then he's not the person for me. Sigh. Must not let this impending event ruin the rest of my week. At least I'll have a hair cut beforehand, which always makes me feel more confident. I'm going to have to wear something that makes me feel good. Most importantly, none of this is about me. It's about his friends birthday and I'm sure she'll appreciate me being there despite the potential awkwardness. I just want to get the bloody thing done and hope it won't be a regular occurance.
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