09.06.21

Feeling sad, fed-up and lost. I'm sure it's hormone related, paired with the time of year where the weather is so beautiful and i'm stuck inside a rancid office building surrounded by poor attitudes, generally being unappreciated. The only plus side to my job currently is that I have it, and that i'm able to work 2 days from home. When we all have to return once again, it'll be truly awful. 

I wish I could get away, I know I need to. I worry that soon i'll be asked to do something I don't want to do, but will have nowhere else to turn, so i'll have to do it and i'll just hate it. It just feels incredibly unfair. I just wish I could run away from all of it. The idea of applying to new jobs once again fills me with dread. It's been such a long time. I need this job so I can live. Do I just wait until 2022...where perhaps I might move away from London completely? Could I stand it for that long? I just feel as though i'm wasting my life here. What's the point? It's a mood that's shared amongst everyone, which is what makes it so intense and wearing. Nobody gives a damn, so nobody is trying to make a difference. It's nothing new of course, i've felt like this numerous times. I feel that soon i'll be forced to face a set of crossroads...

I just don't have the energy to even type something positive for myself. I just want to eat shit food and sleep for a long time. I'm feeling so low and lonely. Feel fat and ugly. Feel old and trapped. My friends are all having babies and i'm with someone who just wants to talk about his sister who's had a baby and i'm running out of replies pretending to sound ecstatic for him and his family. I mean, I am of course. But it's once again reminding me of something I don't have. Which makes me feel awful, because, why am I taking it so personally? How deeply insecure must I feel? Very, clearly. I hate that about myself. I know that i've just got to let things be, everything happens for a reason, it will happen, it will come in time. Of course it will. I've never wanted anything more. But when everything else is gruelling and shite, the light at the end of the tunnel feels so far away.

I just want to cry. Earlier today I invited Will over to mine which I was up for then, but I don't know if i'll be in the mood for everything he wants to do. I doubt i'll have the energy. This is where the idea of a drink is very appealing. I won't. But, it is tempting. 

Sigh. Maybe Will will give me exactly what I need. I just don't want to be or feel anymore. Hopefully he can take me away...