03.06.21

A new life has started today, Will's sister gave birth to a little baby boy. He's so excited as is the rest of the family, of course, it was all very highly anticipated. I'm really happy for his sister, and for his whole family as it could well start some new, very positive family traditions which a new edition can sometimes bring in a refreshing way. I do wish I didn't feel jealous though. I hate that I do, it's a feeling I don't ever want to feel but I just can't shake how I wish it was me. It's a secret I won't tell a soul of course. I remember trying to read about people who might feel the same way as me, buried in the murky depths of the internet, when I felt like this before almost overwhelmingly so. I found comfort in ladies who shared similar feelings and shared advise. I know this is all a part of being broody, and having been broody for an incredibly long time. Just wish I didn't make it about myself, I only want to feel happiness for the other person involved. 

I know that their pregnancy/baby isn't taking one from me, but whenever I hear the news or find myself around people who are, it just makes me feel as though it's all so far away from me. And I don't like being faced with those thoughts. But, I try not to dwell on them. I'm just being human. And time moves forward. And soon, it won't be a nolvety anymore but the new way of life and no longer something that Will talks about all the time. Don't get me wrong, i'm delighted that he does. He's the first person i've ever been with who's exclusively told me that he wants to have a family, and it's something he talks about often, on his own accord. He's excited for his friends who have children, and is so happy to be an uncle and I love that. So really, much the opposite of my fears, I'm the closest I've ever been in my life to my dream becoming a reality one day. I just hope it will happen, and he's not stringing me along while he decides to change his mind.

This relationship of ours does feel different this time around for sure. I just feel that I slot with him in a way I haven't with anyone else, for a very long time. And I adore that. He does however, irritate me in ways I often can't put my finger on. He can be sickly sweet sometimes and incredibly clingy. Again, it isn't a bad thing it's just, it can get a bit much after a time. I love having my flat to come home to especially if we've spent a lot of time together. But that's natural I suppose, I like having my own space. And doing lots and lots of social things is incredibly tiring for me. I enjoy having some time by myself to just not have to be on for a while. I know that as time goes by and we experience more together as a couple, this feeling will change - or I'll feel more able to be myself around him. I won't feel afraid of 'being uncool' because I don't want to drink again or feel like a right moaner because my body aches and is extremely tired from all the action. I know he doesn't mind, he's just made of tougher stuff than me, certainly he can drink far more readily.

He's keen to move in together soon. I do want to live with him but, I'm aware this is something I tend to do far too readily in the past. I get too caught up in it all and see past the red flags to discover them later down the line when i've sunk so much time, effort and money into it. I do love that he is keen though, again, it's not something i've really experienced with another person before. I don't feel pressure to decide anything, plus I doubt my contract would allow breaking it early. I think for the first time in my life i'd like to see out a complete 1 year tenancy! But it's fun thinking about it, and talking about it together. 

I don't know why I always feel a fear and a need to rush. It'll all be okay, I know that it will. I'm just trying to process these emotions in this safe space of mine, which I've unfortunately been neglecting as of late. Mainly due to not having enough time to sit and unload.