It's been a long day today, my limbs ache and my head feels a little fuzzy. I finally went back to the old flat and retrieved a car load of my belongings, the last of what's mine. Taking the keys off the keyring, loaded with many keys to different front doors in my life felt rather surreal. Last night I dreamt vividly of Andy and worried about how I'd feel seeing him again, in what could be the very last time. He does creep into my dreams sometimes, I don't recall him ever making an appearance while we were together, I woke up reminiscing and missing his beauty, his soft voice, his peaceful persona. I know there was such a lot wrong with the relationship we had and since leaving I never find myself wishing I were walking back to the flat we used to share. Today walking back in, I didn't feel sad but I was taken aback by how great he looked (he'd had a haircut, the first time in a good year or so.) Our cat looked healthy and happy, came over to say hello and we shared some nice moments together, I still know leaving him with Andy was the best thing I could have done. Though if I had a green space to call my own it would have been a different story i'm sure.
Will kindly assures me that the first place we get together, the ability to keep cats will be high on the priority list and I don't doubt it, i'd love to have pets with him. I've been going through phases of really wanting to live with him, and then fearing the idea a little bit. We had a wonderful weekend together - as we always do, we had a relaxing time together not doing anything social which was really nice for a change. The next looks to be another social filled affair which I feel tired just thinking about, but i'm sure it'll be fun. I think it's more apprehension regarding the number of drinks that will likely be consumed. I'm thinking about maybe giving it up in the near future, as I don't enjoy the feeling of getting drunk like I used to and certainly don't like the wasted hangover days feeling terrible. It's hard though because it's a big passion of Wills (wine,) so to not share it together feels like an interest i'm cutting out. I know that's not the case but, it's how it feels. It's such a big part of society, the culture, and I can''t lie to myself - I feel more fun with a drink in hand, all my anxieties and lack of confidence melts away. For now i'm telling myself that it's okay one day a week, i'll review it a little later down the line.
I was thinking things over a lot while I was driving to the old flat and found myself thinking about my past relationships and how me and Will does feel a lot different. I'm with someone who genuinely wants to spend time with me, misses me when i'm gone and isn't afraid to tell me so. He wants to be a part of my life and is eager to have mine in his, which is incredibly flattering and I feel very grateful. This often means that I feel tired, as he likes to do a lot of things and see his friends often - which is all great. It's the first time i've really had this before and I love it, but i'm also learning more about myself and I think i'm getting a little better at being open about how I'm feeling. I suppose i'm cautious, I don't want to rush into things for the shine to dull too fast. I want to be with him and start our life together but, I don't want him to take advantage of me. I want to move out of London, so it makes sense to move to where he is now, but the cost of commuting and the time it takes too, I just worry it'll be like with Chris, and Andy, where I spend more time at a job I don't like with people who drain me and hardly any time with people I love and care about. So by the time I get home after a busy day i'm tired, so not on my best form, I'm also broke from paying rent and the cost to commute, plus I've no time to enjoy where I live because i've got to go to bed in order to be ready to do it all over again. I'm sure it won't be like that, but I do wonder. Anyway, it's a way off yet. We've both said that we don't want to rush it, we both enjoy things as they are now, particularly our own space. We've agreed maybe next year, and we could start looking at the end of this year to see if anything looks right. Hopefully by which time I might be able to negotiate different hours at work, maybe even part time hours, or maybe even a whole new job out of the city - something which will help make me feel more fulfilled. I'm basically where I am now because it looks good on paper and pays reasonably well. I don't want to stress myself out needlessly over a company that doesn't care. It's a nice thing to think about and aim towards certainly, we'll just have to see how things play out. For now, i'm enjoying my independence, being able to walk to work and wear my colourful dresses.
I think my mental health is doing better, but that's usually the case when i'm not on my period. It's nice to have a bit of calm up there though. I'm sure once I get my deposit back (if I do,) that'll help too. It hasn't really sunk in yet. The lost thousands i've paid in double rent, not having an underground wire linking me to a place I spent so much time unhappy - possibly some of my most unhappy memories, but also a place of self-discovery and fun. Me and Andy did have some amazing times together and I will always feel lucky to have been with someone like him. I'm sure I will continue to miss him as the years go on, as I do with most old loves of mine. Sometimes I feel my heart sink a little, thinking about them, who they were, how important they were to me, who I was at the time, how we were together and the things we went through. There's still a mountain of stuff in the car waiting to find homes inside my new flat, but one thing I did look through was an old bag of photos and cards from my younger teenage years right through to a year or two ago. I smiled as I harked back, though time has moved on, I still had those times and they were very valid times. They were moments that helped shape me into the person I am today, which a very special thing. They won't ever be forgotten. And like the ever growing bag of mementos, I'll continue to carry them around with me from every home I live in, to revisit every time I want to revisit a bit of my old self.
Tomorrow I'll go into the office for three days and then it'll be the weekend again. Will wants to host a dinner party with his friends and then the following day we'll drive to see mum and Rick, the first time he'll meet them. I'm looking forward to it but am also nervous too.
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