Again, it's been a long while since I updated here. Its not something I've thought a lot about, but always feel better for doing after I do. I've so much time to do it as we gradually ease from lockdown and yet I can't seem to block out the time to do it. I've been spending any free time I have either with, or recovering from time with Will. Things seem to be going really well and I feel very happy and content when I'm with him. A couple of weeks ago we even had our first argument, which was easily resolved yet at the time it felt as though the world was ending. We'd both had too much to drink and weren't as in sync as we usually are and had a misunderstanding before sleep, though I didn't sleep at all well. He managed the situation poorly and regretted it, we talked it through and everything was fine afterwards. I felt proud of us both, clearly we'd both been in situations like that before and had behaved differently, I'm glad we feel able to speak freely and openly about things as they crop up. It's possibly one of the first relationships I've ever had where I genuinely feel able to talk like this. I've met more of his friends who are all really lovely. I like how he feels confident enough in me to leave me to fend for myself in these kinds of situations, though they always make me feel very welcome in their circle. He's a strong and loyal friend which I also love to see. I enjoy how he's always got things in the diary and gradually I feel as though I'm coming out of my shell more and more. It is tiring though which is something I feel rather self conscious about. I do my best to not let it show, but after a while my body can't fight it anymore. It's not that I feel a pressure to keep up with him, I just want to do all of the things all of the time. Plus he has caffeine and nicotine on his side. His friendship group also like to partake in party drugs too, which seem to make an appearance most gatherings. I always have a great time but I'm mindful of how they might be affecting my body in the long run.
I'm currently on my way to the dentist which isn't too far from where I used to live. Crossing the river makes me feel many things but I certainly don't feel any sense of longing, it was a very good thing that I moved away. I do still think of Andy and in some ways I miss him (and our cat - possibly moreso than him,) but when I try to unpack what it is specifically I think it's more the idea of 'what it could have been' which of course never, ever would have been. I then start to feel angry and upset at all the things that happened while we were together and how I couldn't believe I put up with it for so long. Will and Andy aren't at all comparable as people, they're so very different. But it is amazing how much my life has changed since leaving the South, and how I feel I've a real future now. Will makes me feel adored and the foundations we build at the start of our relationship makes me feel reassured, I don't have the constant feeling of unease in my stomach which I originally thought was normal to feel before.
I've decided to pop by the old flat to see Andy after my dentist visit. I look like crap but I don't really care, I kinda want to dispel the nervy feeling about going back there again. I will need to one last time with my car to pick up the remainder of my stuff next month. Plus I miss Strudle. I've been really wanting a pet recently. Will also loves cats and wants lots of them, along with dogs and eventually children which he talks about a lot. It makes my heart tingle every time he does. He drives me crackers sometimes but I love that he's keen and happy to be with me and isn't afraid to show it.
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It was actually really nice to see him. I didn't know how I was going to feel as I approached our old front door but it was fine. I didn't feel a sense of sadness or joy. It was just like popping by to see an old friend. Our cat was happily padding about the garden and was happy to see me, which was nice. We caught up on things, he told me he was on the apps once again but already growing tired of it. I told him a bit about Will, which felt good because I don't like the idea of keeping it from him. He was sweet about it and wished me well, I was happy to hear he was looking to date again too. It was all very civilised. In some ways I do miss him, he's got such a nice manner and he's just so beautiful to behold. But I don't ever think about getting back together with him and still when he mentions his ex's name it still gives me a very visceral reaction within. I just hope he'll be okay and won't keep letting her take control of his life. He'll be lucky to find someone who puts up with it for as long as I did, but anyway, it's not worth thinking about now.
I do hope that one day he and I will be able to meet for a drink or something, I know he's suggested this too. But maybe a little way off in the future.
I'm already looking forward to the weekend. I'm sure i'll end up feeling tired when Friday comes around, but I'm ready for a drink, dance, party...it's a friend of Will's birthday so we're going to go to that and hopefully not get too carried away. On friday evening he's going to meet my brother and his girlfriend for the first time, which is rather exciting.
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