I had an impromptu talking therapy session this afternoon which has had me on edge most of the day. Feels a little ironic, how a session to help work through my anxiety issues would somehow trigger them but, it is what it is.
I’m unloading all the thoughts circling my head after the call ended as they usually fade like a dream as I carry on with daily life and I feel it’s important to draw out some of the things because there might be significant to them, who knows.
I do like my therapist but she talks incredibly quickly and with an accent so I sometimes miss a lot of what she says. I like her accent and it distracts me as I try and place where it is she’s from. I reckon in person I’d be able to focus a lot more on the content of her words. I’m out of practice in terms of face to face interactions these days. I’m aware she’s under time constraints, I feel this comes across in how quickly she skims through points which makes me feel rattled. It takes a long time to draw out a negative feeling from within but it can’t be lingered on too long as the session will be ending soon enough. It is an uncomfortable 50 mins and right now as the thoughts settle in my mind, I don’t know what to do with the excess energy born from anxiety.
We focused a lot on the relationship I have with my mother, and how the incredibly guilty I feel around most of our interactions. This reaction is coming from my ‘core beliefs’ which are apparently established and embedded as a child but can be further ‘activated’ at times through adult life. These are difficult to challenge, often distorted and untrue. I know where they’ve derived from of course, they are undeniable to me and always have been since I was a little girl. Some of my earliest memories are feeling terrified of my mum, yet marvelling at her beautiful smile and laughter when she had moments of happiness. I’ve come away with more homework which is to contemplate any traumatic childhood memories, a lonely intensity i’m going to postpone for a few days. She asked me to think about what I would say to the little girl who spent so much of my childhood feeling bad, guilty and fearful. Of course there was a lot of lovely moments growing up, a lot of magic and a lot of love. Why aren’t those a part of my core beliefs? I felt tears well up behind my eyes as I imagined looking down at myself as a curious 4 year old. I want to take her hand and walk around my grandparent’s garden with her, pointing at flowers and bees, telling her that everything will all be okay. I think I would have liked grown up me a lot as a child. I can imagine laughing a lot with her.
I paused my outpouring to listen to a voice message from Will followed by an unnecessary order of nutritionless junk food for dinner. I didn’t really want it and yet at the same time, my mind was screaming for it, nothing less than beige and greasy to absorb the confusion would do. It did the trick, but I know something I use to medicate my noisy mind is binging on comfort food so, it was kinda like sticking my middle finger up at Edita after acknowledging full well that I fight feelings of powerlessness and guilt on a daily basis. What better way to cap off a grilling day of tedium?
She said that I was likely hurting. Hearing someone tell me that I had a lot of awful things happen to me last year just made me want to cry. But I also felt seen. This therapy lark really takes it out of me. It really is a bit of a head fuck.
I’m contemplating a tattoo. I’m not sure why the desire has floated to the surface again, perhaps it’s because I admire Will’s a lot and really like it, or if I just want to do something rebellious after reliving a lot of sadness at a very happy time of my life. I don’t even know if that last sentence made any sense. It’s very impulsive but it’s something I’ve contemplated a lot on the past and recently I’ve been enjoying saying ‘yes’ to more things I want to do. Who knows if I’ll go through with it when the date rolls around (next year,) but at this point, why not enquire.
I’m going to have a shower, gather some thoughts, maybe come back and write some more.
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