17.03.21

Had my first therapy session this morning which has prompted me to write again, my consent coping mechanism.

It was the initial appointment so we weren't making any new breakthroughs of course and I'm conscious of keeping my expectations about it very neutral. It's been a good 10 months in pipeline though. The way I felt back then is a lot different to how I feel now, in a positive way. But I'm aware the feelings from that time haven't been faced or processed, they've been buried. So they will of course resurface in a far uglier, more intense way in the future I'm sure of it.

It's easy for me to think that because I've met Will and he's wonderful, that everything is great and I don't need therapy. I'm not currently feeling suicidal, therefore I'm fixed. But I know that's not how it works. It'll lingers in waiting, ready to pounce and choke me when my guard is down and I am tired.

It seems that these sessions will focus on CBT treatment which all sounds like the sort of thing I need. It will only be 8 sessions, 50mins a go so it's not many but it's better than nothing and I'm grateful for the time.

As soon as it ended I had to leave for work, which isn't really ideal. But then maybe being distracted is a good thing. We talked briefly about my current relationships, with my friends, family, my mother, food, self. It's left me feeling tender and in need of a hug. I'd forgotten how vulnerable it leaves you feeling. Such intrusive questions broaching subjects I'm so used to pretending I don't know about. I feel proud I'm making a small step in apologising to myself and trying to better my mental health, but pathetic at the very same time. I told Will that I had the appointment coming up today and he welcomed my thoughts about it all and was of course, very understanding. He mentioned that he'd had a bit in the past himself, which was comforting to hear. I wonder if I will end up sharing the mess of my mind, the traumatic past I've got so used to compartmentalising. I want to appear squeaky clean, untouched by darkness and therefore more appealing to him. But I know it's a part of me, who I am and why I am the way I am which he claims to love, so, maybe I will. But all in good time.

I'm hoping this weekend will be nice, I'm going to visit him again which I'm really looking forward to.