25.02.21

I type this after the owner of my local corner shop told me 'if you can't go outside, why not go inside your mind. Why not read a book, or write instead.'

So here we are.

It's interesting how i've had more time than ive ever had in my life to contribute to my blog but haven't been keeping up with it at all. Maybe I feel as though i've less to process than I did before, or didn't have the mind space for previously amongst the chaotic commute, the long working hours and relationship woes which weighed very heavily upon me. Now that the change has been made, I feel my old self return in full force. Breathing feels so easy now. The bully that once resided permanently in my brain seems to only want to visit occasionally, never outstaying their welcome which i'm very grateful for. 

Now i've some distance away from the madness that was last year, I realise how I should have left a hell of a lot sooner. I don't have any regrets, but I feel sorry for the old me who I convinced to stay despite knowing so much was so wrong in our relationship. What I feared all along was true, Andy's ex still has a firm grip and when I last went over to collect a few more things I spied a pink toothbrush in the bathroom and I just knew who it belonged to. He has always been very open about when they've hung out, which he doesn't need to do, especially now that we're not together. I thought it would make me feel sick but now I only feel concern for him, for them actually, because clearly they weren't a good fit at all and it surely won't end well. These thoughts surprise me because it's tempting to believe I was just a strange stock-gap for a year and a half for him while she dug her claws into him, ready to pounce as soon as able. But I actually feel nothing but pity, it's a relief to hear her name and not feel a stab of fear in my stomach. I love being able to walk away from the house we used to share, the place of a few laughs but more tears, illness and stress. I feel such a load off. I finally feel as though I have a future and i've never been as excited or full of joy as I have during the past 5 weeks. 

And my future feels as though it's Will. 

My days have been consumed with morning calls, voice messages and texts throughout the day and evening calls, just sharing, scheming and planning. I have never met anyone like him before, nor someone I share so much in common with. Not only in music, film and food which are all big hitters, but in sexual desires, life goals and small, intricate, seemingly insignificant pleasures such as the glow of an oven light. I'd settle for any from the list but to have so many across the board, I simply cannot believe how lucky I am. 

We have spent the past 3 weekends together and it looks like i'll be driving over to his tomorrow too which I cannot wait for. It was wonderful having him here but I love going to his flat, just everything we do together is so perfect. Last weekend I met two of his best friends and had the most wonderful time. They were to lovely, so friendly and inviting and we spent the evening drinking merrily together and I felt my heart spill over with happiness - I've wanted to be with someone who genuinely loved being with me so much that they want to share me with people close to them, but have recently felt that maybe these things should be separated. Will is eager to make lots of plans together and he isn't afraid of coming across intense as he knows it is welcomed, that we are on the same page. 

And last weekend, in his friends basement he told me he loved me, we kisses passionately and I told him that I loved him too. I knew that I did the moment I felt his body next to mine and his fingers touched my skin. And last night he asked me 'so are we going out now then? Does that mean I get to call you my girlfriend?' I came over so bashful and giddy, but of course I said yes. There's a part of me that wants to be cautious and not delve in too deeply or too quickly but I don't feel rushed or any pressure at all, at any point for that matter. No, this has come about so organically and I just absolutely adore it. I feel the way I used to when I was a teenager, just my mind constantly thinking about him, wanting to be with him, counting down the days until we'll be together again. I thought age and the harshness of London life knocked it out of me, i'm elated learning that this isn't the case. 

And, one never knows what the future really holds. People can change, things can happen outside of our control so I'm trying to keep my mind open to the idea that this could all end. But if it does, i'll be so grateful for this time that we've shared together. Particularly during a lockdown, after feeling such greif and sadness. He has Helped me become myself again and i'll be eternally grateful to him for that. I have laughed so much. So, so much. I've experienced pleasure like i've never felt before. And i'm sure i'll cringe reading this back, at how unnecessary it is to be going on and on like this. But I want to write it all out while I'm experiencing this to look back on one day. I want the memory, because I never want to feel myself disappear ever again.

And I don't think Andy ever tried to make me into someone I wasn't, but somewhere along the way I lost my identity and sad things happened, too often, and less and less of me got up each time I fell down. Not many people knew because I kept myself so isolated. But now I'm talking to my friends again, I no longer feel afraid of social media, i'm enjoying other people's happiness and feel myself closer to where I want to be. 

I only hope it continues, but i'm just going to enjoy Will's company as long as he'll allow me into it.