12.01.21

Checking in with myself because it's been a couple of days and it feels like a lot has happened during this time, though on reflection, not a lot has.

Yesterday I was having a really sad day. I missed Andy a lot and wondered what it was I'd done. I missed Strudle and the home we had, his close hugs and his beauty. When we exchanged friendly messages it really lifted my spirits, which in turn made me feel confused. It was a low day, which I know are to be expected during these surreal times. Breakups are hard any time but during a global pandemic when everything is shut and you're not allowed to mingle, it makes it incredibly difficult. I felt and still feel lonely. I don't want to keep badgering my support network about the same stuff they've already assured me on...

My brother came over at the weekend which was so nice. We had some drinks and takeaway and really great catchup chat. It was what I needed. He was frank with me about how he felt about the relationship and how he was glad I was out of it. He reminded me of the times I've forgotten about (as the mind likes to do,) and it brought it back. I said how I had moments of missing him and doubt in my decision, but he told me something really helpful: 'you've got to honour your past self and how she felt. You did this for a reason, something wasn't working.' and its true. I wanted it to work so badly, he was and is so lovely but it just wasn't. I'm quick to make myself feel guilty for that, at time I wasted I could have been with someone else. I compare myself to others. I make myself feel sick with worry. But I know it's the wrong way to look at it. I can still feel love for him and the good times we shared, just because it ended doesn't mean that it was a failure. I learned a lot about myself and the person I want to be with, and that's valuable. Would I rather I stayed with him but felt miserable? Of course not.

I do miss connection but I know soon this time will pass. I got myself back on the dating apps to see how it made me feel. Clearly I'm not going to meet any of these people but just to see what's out there and if it made me feel excited or terrible. It mostly made me feel terrible. It was either constant profiles of high flying investment bankers on yaughts or guys with serious chips on their shoulders, demanding conversion. My heart sank. The pool feels big and I feel so lost. I've tried and had some nice conversations with a few people, it did give me a little boost in confidence. I know I'm not going to find the one right away, I know my way around these things and know it takes time and a degree of persistance. I know I've got to keep my chin up because he is out there, I've met amazing people of them before and know that I will again. I've just got to stay true to myself and who I'd like, plus not put pressure on myself to do these things because I don't want to be single.

There is a person who I've had a couple of phone conversations with, for several hours. He's incredibly funny, he truly has my sense of humour which I love but...he has confessed that he has a bit of a problem with alcohol. This is a serious red flag of course, and I know that I should end it before anything starts but he is nice company and it's fun getting to know each other. A part of me thinks ah, keep him at a distance and just enjoy the time you're spending together, sharing stuff in common, as I haven't had this for a long time. But it is a concern. Its good he said something at least.

The search will continue but, I won't get too hung up on it. Well I'll try not to anyway. Its hard though, it can be so disheartening. It'll happen, I know it will, I believe it with all my heart. But it'll also take time. I'm healing, I need to let my heart heal and find myself again.

It's been very hard. I need to get through this as best as I can. I've got to try and enjoy the moments I have. They could be my last days, you never know...