04.01.21

On the bus setting off the work. It feels daunting returning to something normal knowing that soon things are going to change. And today I still feel scared because the last few days have been really nice and very normal which in turn makes me question why I'm doing this.

I've stopped crying though, so at least that's something. Andy has only been sweet and kind throughout all of this, we've even been cuddling in bed and on the sofa like we used to do which is just so lovely - but obviously not right, as I think on some level it does confuse me.

I'm still so enamoured by him, I doubt I'll ever look upon someone as beautiful as him ever again but I know that sounds shallow and ultimately that's not what I want in a relationship. I feel scared of getting back into dating again but I truly am going to wait a while because I know I need some space to adjust and let everything sink in. Not steam into something that appears as though it has promise to later find myself in this position again. I mustn't be afraid of having time by myself. Its an important part of self growth and it is what I'd advise any friends close to me.

Sigh.

Just got to get today done. I'm not looking forward to packing tomorrow either. Then moving day on Wednesday I've also a lot of anticipation about. Then the following days trying to make an alien space my own, sigh. I will miss having company, I love having him around me. 

Knitting has been helping me though, surprisingly. I bought some brightly coloured yarns and have been enjoying knitting a long scarf, hopefully to upgrade to a jumper soon. Its nice doing something that keeps your mind busy while not mattering at the same time. I'm grateful for anything that keeps me busy right now.

I just can't wait for this phase to be over. I don't want to wish away the time we still have together, I've said to him a couple of times that it's not because I don't love him. It makes me feel better knowing that he knows that now. 

We saw in the New Year getting drunk and high and ended up talking a lot about our relationship. I apologised for times I might have reacted strongly to him meeting up with his ex, and thanked him for all the wonderful experiences we have shared together. He listened, understood and thanked me too. As the night wore on and more drinks were consumed he went on about the time we made the decision not to share his feelings with anyone anymore. He said how he was scared to let anyone in, for fear of being hurt again. I understood all of it and knew it all along really but to hear him say it made me feel sad. I advised that he should probably speak to a professional about the negative thoughts he has about himself, and how he deserves only great things. It made me feel upset hearing his low opinion of himself but knew that no matter how hard I'd try, I'd never be able to make him overcome those issues. I think I even said 'we would always find ourselves here.' it just confirms that I'm doing the right thing I suppose. But it was silly of me to think that I'd be able to help him. There's just too much going on there. 

Sigh. Just got to stay strong and hold on to the belief that this will get better. I believe in love, I believe that the next person I find will be a much better fit for me. 

Just realised that this is the first post of 2021. I think I usually talk about resolutions and things I want out of the new year, however I don't think I will this time. I'm in the process of making a big change that will hopefully end up bettering my life overall, so I'm going to go easy on myself at this point. Maybe in a couple of months.