It's proving to be a very upsetting time. I don't know why this is a surprise to me, of course it would be but everything is effecting me than I originally thought it would.
Yesterday went well, as well as funerals can go, and it was so lovely seeing my dad and brother again. It was incredibly difficult seeing them both so upset, but I was glad that we could all be there for each other as support. It was very emotional and draining, and the long drive there and back was a lot so when I got back home again I suppose it makes sense that I cried when I saw Andy. He hugged me and held me tight, he comforted me and said nice things. I just couldn't stop the tears. He looked so perfect and has such a beautiful smile it makes me want to forget about everything, and everything that could come that I'm so scared of. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to say goodbye, he has been my closest friend to me this year and I'm worried that we might lose touch when we part ways.
I'm having one of those days where I feel frightened and want to forget everything I've said previously. I want to start again, try again, get back to where we were before. The sunshine is helping a lot though, on this cold morning as I venture into work. I'm sure it'll do me some good, getting away for a bit because when I'm on my own I can be rational and can see that ultimately, this will be for the best. But when I'm with him, I just feel like I'm making a horrible mistake.
I need to talk this through to myself.
I'm not wanting to end things because he's not a nice person, no, he's wonderful and I will always feel this way. I'm ending things because of everything I've been feeling the past few months, the times he's let me down over some pretty major things. And one of the last discussions we had, he told me how he didn't know when he'll be ready for commitment, and that when he met me he hadn't long been out of his serious relationship. This is all stuff I know, but we didn't think about it at the time because I was blinded by his beautiful light, and we were just having fun, going out, doing lots of things when we had the free time. I fondly remember nights on the balcony getting drunk talking until the small hours. I will always remember the few but intense magical moments we have shared together. It makes me feel so sad.
But throughout our time together, I never really knew what he was thinking or how he was really feeling. We had lots of discussions about the importance of communication, yet never seemed to truly talk about the important things. I've never been more physically attracted to anyone in my life, but we don't have sex. And when we do, it's usually after I've had to ask which never feels very good to do. He's self conscious and a little lazy too, we got caught up in an evening TV routine and he often sleeps on the sofa as I cannot wake him. And then I gave up trying. It's just such a shame.
When I get tearful and explain how I'll miss our evenings together, him playing his music or watching videos, He says that he'll be whatever I want him to be - friends or whatever I decide. I find this makes me happy to hear but he's lack of committing to something is frustrating and highlights one of the key issues in our relationship. Again, I just don't feel reassured. But friendship does feel what comes naturally to us, I know it won't happen right away but hopefully with time. If we both want it enough, it will happen.
And I suppose on some level I've always known that this was going to be short lived. I know the sort of person I want to spend the rest of my life with and as beautiful and talented as Andy is, he's not a grounded, witty, reliable man and really, it's those attributes that stand the test of time. I dearly miss laughing at somebody else's jokes, I miss not being included in friendships or entertaining joint friendships at home. I miss being with someone who actively wants to make plans with me, and makes romantic gestures. I've been with people like this in the past so I know it's not a type I go for all the time. I don't want to change Andy and I know that he'll never be the things I need. I know that it's what I want whereas he doesn't know what he wants. He's not wrong for not knowing, he's never really lead me to believe otherwise.
I'm scared for a future lockdown living icolated on my own. I'm scared for being disheartened by dating again and picking horrible dates. I know Ive felt this way a lot on the past, and have always found people but as I'm getting older, perhaps people will lose interest. But even Andy said that we are still young, it's not time to throw in the towel just yet. He knows I want the real thing and he's not trying to convince me that he is.
I've just got to trust my gut and believe in myself. Trust the process. Of course this is going to be hard at times but it would be even harder staying with someone when we both know we're not right for each other.
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